Woody Allen

The Devil: You want me to turn the air-conditioning on?The Devil: Sure, it fucks up the ozone layer!

— Woody Allen

Harry: All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

— Woody Allen

A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight.

— Woody Allen

I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

— Woody Allen

A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said "no."

— Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

— Woody Allen

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

— Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

— Woody Allen

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

— Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

— Woody Allen

I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

— Woody Allen

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

— Woody Allen

How could I not have known that there are little things the size of "Planck length" in the universe, which are a millionth of a billionth of a billionth of a centimeter? Imagine if you dropped one in a dark theater how hard it would be to find.

— Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

— Woody Allen

And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

— Woody Allen

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

— Woody Allen

With that, he scribbled in an additional ninety thousand dollars on the estimate, which had waxed to the girth of the Talmud while rivaling it in possible interpretations.

— Woody Allen

I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb.

— Woody Allen

She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down.

— Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

— Woody Allen

As we know, for centuries Rome regarded the Open Hot Turkey Sandwich as the height of licentiousness.

— Woody Allen

I was supremely confident my flair for atmosphere and characterization would sparkle alongside the numbing mulch ground out by studio hacks. Certainly the space atop my mantel might be better festooned by a gold statuette than by the plastic dipping bird that now bobbed there ad infinitum.

— Woody Allen

Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.

— Woody Allen

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat — especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

— Woody Allen

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

— Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

— Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

— Woody Allen

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

— Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

— Woody Allen

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

— Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

— Woody Allen

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

— Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope.

— Woody Allen

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

— Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

— Woody Allen

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

— Woody Allen

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

— Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

— Woody Allen

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

— Woody Allen

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

— Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

— Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

— Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

— Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

— Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

— Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

— Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

— Woody Allen

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

— Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

— Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

— Woody Allen

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

— Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

— Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

— Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

— Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

— Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

— Woody Allen

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

— Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

— Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

— Woody Allen

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

— Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

— Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

— Woody Allen

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

— Woody Allen

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

— Woody Allen

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

— Woody Allen

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

— Woody Allen

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

— Woody Allen

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

— Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

— Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

— Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

— Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

— Woody Allen

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

— Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

— Woody Allen

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

— Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

— Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

— Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

— Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope.

— Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

— Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

— Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

— Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

— Woody Allen

I am two with nature.

— Woody Allen

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

— Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

— Woody Allen

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

— Woody Allen

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

— Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

— Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

— Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

— Woody Allen

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

— Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

— Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

— Woody Allen

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

— Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

— Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

— Woody Allen

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

— Woody Allen

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

— Woody Allen

Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!

— Woody Allen

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

— Woody Allen

I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through War and Peace in 20 minutes. It’s about Russia

— Woody Allen

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

— Woody Allen

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.

— Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

— Woody Allen

On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

— Woody Allen

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

— Woody Allen

Love is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

— Woody Allen

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

— Woody Allen

There have been times when I've thought of suicide but with my luck it'd probably be a temporary solution.

— Woody Allen

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

— Woody Allen

The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you.

— Woody Allen

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

— Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

— Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

— Woody Allen

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

— Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

— Woody Allen

It figures you’ve got to hate yourself if you’ve got any integrity at all.

— Woody Allen

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

— Woody Allen

Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.

— Woody Allen

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

— Woody Allen

I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts.

— Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

— Woody Allen

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.

— Woody Allen

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

— Woody Allen

[The universe is] haphazard, morally neutral, and unimaginably violent.

— Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

— Woody Allen

Change is death.

— Woody Allen

Some guy hit my car fender the other day, and I said unto him, "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words.

— Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

— Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope.

— Woody Allen

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

— Woody Allen

We're worth a lot of dough. Whatever you see is antiques. This thing here. This is from — I don't remember exactly. I think it's the Renaissance or the Magna Carta or something. But that's where it's from.

— Woody Allen

To me there's no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They're all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.

— Woody Allen

This is my perspective and has always been my perspective on life: I have a very grim, pessimistic view of it. I always have, since I was a little boy. It hasn’t gotten worse with age or anything. I do feel that it’s a grim, painful, nightmarish, meaningless experience, and that the only way that you can be happy is if you tell yourself some lies and deceive yourself.

— Woody Allen

My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it,All I can do is wait for it,

— Woody Allen

The film studios learned to our dismay but to their pleasure that if they spent $200 million making a film they could make half a billion on it. So they were not interested anymore in quality films… They can’t afford to be that risky at those prices. Consequently you’re getting a lot of remakes, sequels, dopey comedies full of toilet jokes…

— Woody Allen

Death is like a colonoscopy, the problem is that life is like the prep day.

— Woody Allen

I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

— Woody Allen

Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.

— Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

— Woody Allen

It is impossible to experience one's own death objectively and still carry a tune.

— Woody Allen

Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it.

— Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

— Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

— Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

— Woody Allen

They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

— Woody Allen

When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.

— Woody Allen

My brain: it's my second favorite organ.

— Woody Allen

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

— Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

— Woody Allen

I'm not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.

— Woody Allen

Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

— Woody Allen

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness — I hope you're getting this down.

— Woody Allen

Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.

— Woody Allen

The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

— Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

— Woody Allen

I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

— Woody Allen

In addition to our summer and winter estate, he owned a valuable piece of land. True, it was a small piece, but he carried it with him wherever he went.

— Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

— Woody Allen

And so I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Actually, make that "I run through the valley of the shadow of death" - in order to get OUT of the valley of the shadow of death more quickly, you see.

— Woody Allen

We have to take our possessions and flee. I'm very good at that. I was the men's freestyle fleeing champion two years in a row.

— Woody Allen

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

— Woody Allen

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"— probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

— Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

— Woody Allen

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

— Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

— Woody Allen

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife — a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

— Woody Allen

What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do.

— Woody Allen

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

— Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

— Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

— Woody Allen

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

— Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

— Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

— Woody Allen

Rabbi Raditz of Poland was a very short rabbi with a long beard, who was said to have inspired many pogroms with his sense of humor. One of his disciples asked, "Who did God like better, Moses or Abraham?"

— Woody Allen

I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.

— Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

— Woody Allen

I can't get with any religion that advertises in Popular Mechanics.

— Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

— Woody Allen

I had dated a woman briefly in the Eisenhower administration, and it was ironic to me, because I was trying to do to her what Eisenhower had been doing to the country for the last 8 years.

— Woody Allen

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

— Woody Allen

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

— Woody Allen

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

— Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

— Woody Allen

Of all the famous men who ever lived, the one I would most like to have been was Socrates. Not just because he was a great thinker, because I have been known to have some reasonably profound insights myself, although mine invariably revolve around a Swedish airline stewardess and some handcuffs.

— Woody Allen

Death is a state of non-being. That which is not, does not exist. Therefore death does not exist. Only truth exists. Truth and beauty. Each is interchangeable, but are aspects of themselves. Er, what specifically did they say they had in mind for me?

— Woody Allen

Hey listen — I've proved a lot of things. That's how I pay my rent. Theories and little observations. A puckish remark now and then. Occasional maxims. It beats picking olives, but let's not get carried away.

— Woody Allen

Agathon: But all that talk about death being the same as sleep. Socrates: Yes, the difference is that when you're dead and somebody yells, "Everybody up, it's morning," it's very hard to find your slippers.

— Woody Allen

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

— Woody Allen

Taste my tuna casserole — tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

— Woody Allen

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

— Woody Allen

I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.

— Woody Allen

I can't listen to that much Wagner, ya know ? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.

— Woody Allen

[about his daughter] I'd rather she grew up here than grew up as an orphan, you know I can tolerate anybody's orphans but my own.

— Woody Allen

...years of insanity have made this guy crazy!

— Woody Allen

Harry: Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.

— Woody Allen

Harry: You think the President of the United States wants to fuck every woman he meets?... Well, bad example.

— Woody Allen

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

— Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

— Woody Allen

Harry: The most beautiful words in the English language aren't "I love you" but "it's benign."

— Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

— Woody Allen

Harry: Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing. Waitressing's gotta be the worst fucking job in the world.

— Woody Allen

Burt: Do you care even about the Holocaust or do you think it never happened?Harry: Not only do I know that we lost six million, but the scary thing is that records are made to be broken.

— Woody Allen

Harry: No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.

— Woody Allen

Harry: Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

— Woody Allen

Harry: (On being called a self-hating Jew) Hey, I may hate myself, but not because I'm Jewish.

— Woody Allen

Doris: You have no values. With you it's all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.Harry: Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win!

— Woody Allen