W. C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

— W. C. Fields

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

— W. C. Fields

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

— W. C. Fields

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

— W. C. Fields

I like children - fried.

— W. C. Fields

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

— W. C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

— W. C. Fields

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

— W. C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

— W. C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

— W. C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

— W. C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

— W. C. Fields

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

— W. C. Fields

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

— W. C. Fields

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

— W. C. Fields

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

— W. C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

— W. C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

— W. C. Fields

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

— W. C. Fields

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

— W. C. Fields

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

— W. C. Fields

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

— W. C. Fields

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

— W. C. Fields

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

— W. C. Fields

I like children - fried.

— W. C. Fields

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

— W. C. Fields

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

— W. C. Fields

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

— W. C. Fields

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

— W. C. Fields

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

— W. C. Fields

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

— W. C. Fields

I like children - fried.

— W. C. Fields

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

— W. C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

— W. C. Fields

I drink therefore I am.

— W. C. Fields

I never met a kid I liked.

— W. C. Fields

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

— W. C. Fields

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

— W. C. Fields

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

— W. C. Fields

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

— W. C. Fields

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

— W. C. Fields

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

— W. C. Fields

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

— W. C. Fields

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.

— W. C. Fields

I must have a drink of breakfast.

— W. C. Fields

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

— W. C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

— W. C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

— W. C. Fields

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

— W. C. Fields

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

— W. C. Fields

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

— W. C. Fields

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

— W. C. Fields

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

— W. C. Fields

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

— W. C. Fields

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

— W. C. Fields

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

— W. C. Fields

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

— W. C. Fields

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

— W. C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

— W. C. Fields

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

— W. C. Fields

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

— W. C. Fields

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

— W. C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

— W. C. Fields

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

— W. C. Fields

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

— W. C. Fields

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

— W. C. Fields

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

— W. C. Fields

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

— W. C. Fields

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

— W. C. Fields

Never give a sucker an even break.

— W. C. Fields

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

— W. C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

— W. C. Fields

I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.

— W. C. Fields

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

— W. C. Fields

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

— W. C. Fields

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

— W. C. Fields

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

— W. C. Fields

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

— W. C. Fields

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

— W. C. Fields

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

— W. C. Fields

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

— W. C. Fields

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

— W. C. Fields

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

— W. C. Fields

Who knows what's funny?

— W. C. Fields

Whilst traveling through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. Had to live on food and water for several days.

— W. C. Fields

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

— W. C. Fields

I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

— W. C. Fields

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

— W. C. Fields

Don't say you can't give up drinking. It's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

— W. C. Fields

I'd rather have two girls at twenty-one each, than one girl at forty-two.

— W. C. Fields

Some contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch ...

— W. C. Fields

If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.

— W. C. Fields

She's all dressed up like a well-kept grave.

— W. C. Fields

And it ain't a fit night out for man nor beast.

— W. C. Fields

“Mr. Fields, could you tell me the reason for your well-known aversion to water?” “Delighted, my dear,” he replied with suddenly increased bonhomie. “Never touch the stuff—very unhealthy. Fish fuck in it.” Halliwell’s Hundred:

— W. C. Fields

I cook with wine, and sometimes I even add it to the food.

— W. C. Fields

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

— W. C. Fields