Russell Brand

When I was growing up, I thought I'd be a lot happier if I was famous and successful and if I had money.

— Russell Brand

You know, the relationships we 'ave, everything sort of bubbles under the surface. No one ever says what they actually mean, do they? It's all a bit pappy and rubbish.

— Russell Brand

When my dad left, you know, I'd give my mum hell sometimes, but really she's the one that stayed, isn't she? Poor cow, she didn't need that kind of aggravation.

— Russell Brand

I've looked right through the Bible, start to finish, looking for the bit saying 'Jesus was the mind behind Ikea', then there's no evidence to suggest this at all.

— Russell Brand

I saw a picture of Prince William, HRH William, in the paper today. He's going bald. I reckon by the end of next year he will be bald and I'm glad about that. Because of his playboy prince status and that, it makes me feel insecure about my own looks.

— Russell Brand

Karl Pilkington: And I was high up. Rusell Brand: Again, like a vigilante Batman figure.

— Russell Brand

The first time Tim Westwood did that chestbump to me, I ended up sort of cuddling his arm.

— Russell Brand

I don't like the idea of fruit being all turned on because of cream being poured on it. How then can you eat that fruit?

— Russell Brand

I like pressing that emergency button on bus doors to escape.

— Russell Brand

Russell Brand: What did you say? Russell Brand: Oh yeah, that cleared it up. He probably sank to his knees at that point and screamed 'There is no God!' You probably made him renounce the clergy. He probably went straight off after that and had it off with someone...

— Russell Brand

Matt Morgan: [To Russell] How have you developed pectoral muscles when you barely do anything for yourself?

— Russell Brand

Charles Ingram's views are so pugnacious that when I heard them, I went back to ancient Arabia, sauntered into Aladdin’s cave, said "Open, sesame," perused all the treasures and trinkets until I got Aladdin's attention, pulled down my trousers and panties and forced a genie into my dinkle's peep hole and shouted, "Aladdin, rub the lamp! You'll get more than three wishes!" He said he wished I'd leave his cave.

— Russell Brand

Spiral's views are so enchanting that when I heard them, I cleared off to Australia, strolled up Ayres Rock to the meditating Aborigines, pulled down my trousers and pants, polished my dinkle 'til it was as stiff as a pipe, prised its end open and shouted, "Lads, who wants a blow of my didgeridoo?!" They said they faced this ignorance from the white man on an almost daily basis.

— Russell Brand

[On a fabricated tabloid story]The Neptunian underworld king unleashed a barrage of eels from his abdomen and each of the eels was carrying a zippo lighter and as they flew by they spelt across the sky in fire 'Tara can a borrow your eyeliner please?' If you're gonna make stuff up go mental!

— Russell Brand

It's not really over. There's a little part of my brain that is:

— Russell Brand

Hmm, wa'er! If, right, your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

— Russell Brand

It's like Kilroy only talking about Big Brother and there's no racism allowed.

— Russell Brand

Blimey! Thank God my jeans are this tight- you could wear me like a puppet!

— Russell Brand

Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!

— Russell Brand

October... Is that when there's conkers?

— Russell Brand

The whole thing stinks, Carr!

— Russell Brand

Where's Guy?!

— Russell Brand

(after Noel Fielding has written "peep scarf" to describe a piece of muslim apparel) That's its proper name!

— Russell Brand

I don't like doing anything that makes you sweat if you don't come at the end of it.

— Russell Brand

There's no shame in being second to Stephen Fry. Unless it's in a straight nose competition.

— Russell Brand

I don’t see why someone should lose their life just so you can have a snack.

— Russell Brand

Amy [Winehouse] increasingly became defined by her addiction. Our media though is more interested in tragedy than talent, so the ink began to defect from praising her gift to chronicling her downfall. The destructive personal relationships, the blood soaked ballet slippers, the aborted shows, that YouTube madness with the baby mice. In the public perception this ephemeral tittle-tattle replaced her timeless talent. This and her manner in our occasional meetings brought home to me the severity of her condition. Addiction is a serious disease; it will end with jail, mental institutions, or death.

— Russell Brand

I don't know if this is the kind of retrospective analysis that people are fond of applying to their work or actions, but it feels like I knew I was going to be famous and I knew that an element of that would be traumatic, so that if I could make myself something big and otherworldly, it would be a kind of defence.

— Russell Brand