Ron White

I just try to keep it fresh without sacrificing funny.

— Ron White

I don't like to do material people have heard. Now, they like to hear material that they know, because that's the stuff that made me famous, and, unfortunately, I don't do a ton of it.

— Ron White

As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny.

— Ron White

The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant.

— Ron White

A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.

— Ron White

All I know how to do is take what's on my mind and spit it out funny. I don't know what else I could do besides comedy.

— Ron White

My uncle was a preacher, and I used to go watch him preach. He was also funny, so I'm very 'preacher-ish' on stage, not by intent but because that's where I learned to talk in front of people.

— Ron White

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

— Ron White

I do a lot of gay-friendly stuff in my show, and men, women, they all love it. I practice non-judgment in my daily life and hope other people do the same thing.

— Ron White

The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.

— Ron White

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

— Ron White

As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I'll create more comedy. It's just when I shut off and stay at home... What helps me is just to keep moving.

— Ron White

My uncle was a preacher, and I used to go watch him preach. He was also funny, so I'm very 'preacher-ish' on stage, not by intent but because that's where I learned to talk in front of people.

— Ron White

I was always a funny guy. I don't think anybody that makes it to this level of stand-up wasn't a funny guy when they were young.

— Ron White

As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I'll create more comedy. It's just when I shut off and stay at home... What helps me is just to keep moving.

— Ron White

I've got a role in the new Billy Bob Thornton movie that Billy Bob wrote and is going to direct called 'Jayne Mansfield's Car.' I only have four scenes, but I have as much dialogue as anybody in the movie.

— Ron White

The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.

— Ron White

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

— Ron White

I've been offered starring roles in horrible movies, but I just didn't want to do it. I don't see why you would.

— Ron White

As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny.

— Ron White

Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.

— Ron White

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

— Ron White

You ever take a crap so big, your pants fit better? Anybody ever do that? You ever...I'm hoping that happens to me later tonight, 'cause these babies don't fit anymore. I'm hoping I'm one big turd away from backing into an old wardrobe.

— Ron White

The DeBeers people are almost saying what they really mean. You remember the old DeBeers slogan, "Diamonds are forever." Then they changed it to "This year, take her breath away." The new slogan is "Diamonds. Render her speechless." Why don't they just come out and say it: "Diamonds. That'll shut her up."

— Ron White

[on vegetarianism] I didn't climb to the top of the fuckin' food chain to eat carrots.

— Ron White

I get that Speedo on, it looks like a rubber band stretched over a head of cauliflower.

— Ron White

Have you ever seen a healthy-looking vegetarian? They look like shit! They're all gaunt and yellow. After a while, their bodies become intolerant of other things. I'll give you an example: I was out to lunch with a comedian friend of mine, and later in the day he said, and I quote: "I feel nauseous and I have a headache. That soup I had must have had beef broth in it." Your system's kickin' back broth? You're a manly man, aren't you?

— Ron White

One time, I was watching a shootout live on CNN, and it went on for so long that the criminal eventually shot himself. And the cops are complaining by saying, "He's got on body armor, he's got on body armor!" And I'm thinking, "I can see his head! Shoot him in his fuckin' head!"

— Ron White

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

— Ron White

I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.

— Ron White

My wife's cooking's gotten a lot better since she learned the smoke alarm wasn't a timer. I had to tell her, "Honey, the food's done before that particular buzzer goes off!"

— Ron White

I got happily married to a rich woman. If you ever have a choice, go ahead. Actually, she's not rich at all. Her parents are loooooaaaddddeeeed. And they hate my guuuuuuuuuuutttttsss. And I am waitng for them to diiiiiiiieeeeeeee. And you will know when they die, 'cause you will never see my fat ass again.

— Ron White

I've got a role in the new Billy Bob Thornton movie that Billy Bob wrote and is going to direct called 'Jayne Mansfield's Car.' I only have four scenes, but I have as much dialogue as anybody in the movie.

— Ron White

I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship.

— Ron White

I never had much of a vocabulary. In fact, my friend Bob Schneider would still be alive today if I'd known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote". He got bitten by a copperhead, and I'm telling him funny stories out of Reader's Digest. His head started to swell, I said "This ain't working". He goes, "READ FASTER!!"

— Ron White

I'm a dog lover. Actually, I love my dog, I don't give a shit about your dog. I don't know your dog. Your dog could be an asshole, I don't know.

— Ron White

I like to keep the inside of the house between 70 and 75 degrees. My ex-wife liked to keep the inside of the house between 75 and a hundred and fuckin' ten. And you can't keep Tater Salad at that temperature.

— Ron White

She and I got into another argument about the temperature of the dwelling and she took a butcher knife and slashed the tires on my truck. So I dug up an old Polaroid of her and entered it in Hustlers "Beaver Hunt" contest and she won. And I used the money to buy me some new tires, and she super-glues my dick to my stomach, so you see how things get out of hand? [scratches himself in the middle of the chest] Still itches.

— Ron White

One time, my wife said to me, [imitating his wife] "Honey, the dryer is broken." [as himself] Did you check the lint trap? [imitating his wife with a clueless face] Sit down, honey, I'll check it. [as his wife] "Was there anything in there?" [as himself] There's a quilt in there. Look! You made a sofa cushion.

— Ron White

Let me tell you what I'm looking for in a fuckin' tree. I'm looking for a tree that you can tell is alive even if you don't know shit about trees.

— Ron White

The next time you have a thought...let it go.

— Ron White

I'm sweating scotch out of every pore in my body.

— Ron White

My manager will send me anywhere he wants to, 'cause he doesn't have to fuckin' go.

— Ron White

I was more fucked-up than Courtney Love at the Pamela Anderson roast!

— Ron White

I found out yesterday there really is a place called Bumfuck, Egypt. And the only way to get there is to go up Shit Creek.

— Ron White

I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.

— Ron White

The Ayatollah of Iran died today and they're desperately trying to find the next Ayatollah. I suggested they pick that guy they just kicked out of the Oak Ridge Boys. Ayatollah Oom Papa Mow Mow!

— Ron White

I'd like to start off by telling you some great news. I got approved for a new reality show—it's an extreme makeover show for middle-aged lesbians, called "This Old Bull-Dyke". We already have a sponsor, too- Wolverine steel-toed boots has picked it up. We had another title, but the censors nixed it; it was originally going to be called, "Pimp My Muff!"

— Ron White

I find a lot of comfort in having one sex partner. That is because she knows what I like and I know what she won't do.

— Ron White

When my wife told me that she was anal, I thought, "Great." Turns out, there are two different kinds of "anal"...And she's the wrong one.

— Ron White

I was once offered a 3-way in Austin, and I turned it down because it was one of those deals where it was two dudes and...me. I don't even watch Two and a Half Men.

— Ron White

You ever smoke so much pot your wife starts to make sense? Me neither.

— Ron White

Last year in Florida, at Sea World Florida, an animal trainer was killed by a killer whale...HUH. Turns out, there's a reason why they didn't name them "ocean ponies." Some things are exactly as they seem, folks. Killer whales kill, pilot whales wear dark sunglasses. I'm not sure how the sperm whale got his name...but I'm not getting in the pool.

— Ron White

We got Bin Laden, man. It took 10 years, it wasn't exactly a calf-rope. He was in that house for six years with five wives. I would've shot my fucking self! I'd have my head out of the window screaming at drones, going, "I'M OVER HERE!"

— Ron White

I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I have learning disabilities. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper. I do have a GED, and if you don't know what GED stands for...you probably got one, too.

— Ron White

I told my wife, I said, "You get there at 5:30 you can fly with me but let me tell you something Sugar Tits, at 5:31 I am wheels up and I am fucking gone!" ...I said that. Not very loud, but I said it. 5:31 gets there. Is she there? No! Do I leave? ...No! 6:01 gets there. Is she there? No. Do I leave? No. Why? Because this dick won't suck itself, that's why.

— Ron White

I was always a funny guy. I don't think anybody that makes it to this level of stand-up wasn't a funny guy when they were young.

— Ron White

I just try to keep it fresh without sacrificing funny.

— Ron White

That's the beauty of being a straight-to-DVD star. It really helps you stay under the media's radar.

— Ron White

I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.

— Ron White

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

— Ron White