Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

— Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

— Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

— Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

— Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

— Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

— Rodney Dangerfield

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Life is just a bowl of pits.

— Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

— Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

— Rodney Dangerfield

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

— Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

— Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

— Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

— Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

— Rodney Dangerfield

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

— Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

— Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

— Rodney Dangerfield

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

— Rodney Dangerfield

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

— Rodney Dangerfield

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

— Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

— Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

— Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

— Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

— Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.

— Rodney Dangerfield

There goes the neighborhood.

— Rodney Dangerfield

If all goes well, about a week. If not, about an hour and a half.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

— Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

— Rodney Dangerfield

In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

— Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

— Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

— Rodney Dangerfield

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

— Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.

— Rodney Dangerfield

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt — for obvious reasons — that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Why, that's the story of my life--no respect; I mean, I don't get no respect at all!

— Rodney Dangerfield