Robert Asprin

New Orleans life is such a night life. The thing that comes up very often is that our day essentially doesn't start until midnight or 2 in the morning.

— Robert Asprin

Small towns were terrible places to grow up with world-sized dreams—especially when those dreams were the only things you had left to hold onto.

— Robert Asprin

“Hi, Sven.”“Hi, yourself. The answer’s no.”

— Robert Asprin

When it comes to scouts, heroes are just people who confuse cowardice with common sense.

— Robert Asprin

“Uncle Sven and I are about to start your first lesson in survival theory.”Sven guffawed. “When the fight starts, be someplace else. And always remember, nobody watches your butt for you when it’s You versus the Universe—and Margo, the universe just don’t give a damn.”

— Robert Asprin

“Oh. I was beginning to worry.”Kit scratched his head. “Search me. Guess it’s my good looks and charm.”

— Robert Asprin

“Education,” he smiled, “is never a waste of time.”

— Robert Asprin

“She’s young, Kit.”“That’s no excuse. The universe doesn’t give a damn when it squashes you.”

— Robert Asprin

Malcolm had forgotten how very young eighteen was, with its mixture of invincible assuredness, fragile emotions, and the desperate need to be taken seriously—even when caught in complete ignorance.

— Robert Asprin

But—as Kit and Sven had been so fond of saying—the Universe didn’t give beans for “fair.” It simply was. You got it right or paid the price.

— Robert Asprin

The death of the wildebeest herd didn’t change the bloody savagery she’d witnessed in the Roman Circus, but it put life and death in much clearer perspective. Nature wasn’t any nobler or gentler than human beings. It was just as deadly and just as cruel and just as savagely “unfair” to the weak...Maybe more so.

— Robert Asprin

Skeeter thought dark, vile thoughts at bureaus and the bureauc-rats that ran ’em.

— Robert Asprin

The more chaotic the world, the greater the need for ritual.

— Robert Asprin

Skeeter just couldn’t figure out what was so horrible about taking a good, long, clear-eyed look at one’s past and facing whatever one found in it. Making up the past to fit whatever idea some politically correct group wanted to pass off as reality this week seemed a lot more dangerous to him than facing brutal facts.

— Robert Asprin

Kit chuckled. “You, Bull Morgan, are a wicked judge of human character.”“Hell, Kit, thought you’d figured it out by now: all human character is wicked. Just varies in degree is all.”

— Robert Asprin

Bull Morgan was just the right man for the job, a man who found the law useful in how far it could occasionally be bent to save a friend.

— Robert Asprin

A tiny whisper at the back of her mind warned her to be wary of what one asked the gods for, lest they grant it.

— Robert Asprin

The more I learn about history, the more savage I find it was.

— Robert Asprin

All the years he’d spent fooling himself into thinking that what he did was correct was simply time wasted from his life, on delusions and fantasies that kept him from seeing what he was and where he was inevitably headed with genuine clarity.

— Robert Asprin

“He’ll get a life sentence for the illegal trafficking alone and probably a death sentence for the people he killed along the way.” He sighed slightly. “I always did fancy happy endings.”

— Robert Asprin

So fare the fortunes of men, Skeeter thought bitterly, when seven wolves and a sheep decide what’s for lunch. Perfect democracy: everybody got to vote. Even the lunch.

— Robert Asprin

It operates very much like the social structure of a nomadic tribe. Those in the brotherhood are fully human; those outside are not.

— Robert Asprin

It is jihad, Mr. Morgan, a particularly virulent, fundamentalist form of hatred.

— Robert Asprin

“Fools have a way of discovering...that the laws of time travel, like the laws of physics, have no pity and no remorse.”

— Robert Asprin

A brave man is one who admits his fear. Only a fool believes himself invincible.

— Robert Asprin

Li was a very honest and honorable man. But when it came to any man’s abiding passion, honesty occasionally went straight out the nearest available window.

— Robert Asprin

“No matter how you look at it,” Margo muttered, “when you get down to it, human beings aren’t really much better than killer plains apes, are they? Just a thin sugar-coating of civilization to make ’em look prettier.”

— Robert Asprin

Playing God was a sweetly addictive game.

— Robert Asprin

Once again, Caddrick had failed to use the few brains God had given him.

— Robert Asprin

“How much did that ridiculous maintenance job of yours pay?”“Five bucks? That’s not a salary, that’s slavery!”

— Robert Asprin

Are you out of your mind? No, you have to be in possession of a mind, first, to be out of it.

— Robert Asprin

“You know,” Malcolm remarked to no one in particular, “I’d say that chap doesn’t enjoy time travel.”

— Robert Asprin

“What?” Jenna came out of her chair so fast, it crashed over. “Are you insane?”“No,” Skeeter said mildly, “although I know a few people who might argue the point.”

— Robert Asprin

Careless is stupid, he snarled at himself, and stupid can be fatal.

— Robert Asprin