Mind of Mencia

If you don't believe that God has a sense of humor, tomorrow go to Walmart and just LOOK AT PEOPLE!

— Mind of Mencia

(on Easter) By the way, what do eggs have to do with Jesus Christ?

— Mind of Mencia

(pulling on the fat on his chin) That's Chunky Monkey ice cream!!!

— Mind of Mencia

(from Carlosaurus Rex) Whether you're black or white, Uzbeki or Jew...you're probably an asshole too.

— Mind of Mencia

When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.

— Mind of Mencia

If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.

— Mind of Mencia

'Achmed' - Why don't you check the women?

— Mind of Mencia

'Achmed' - Why don't you check the black people?

— Mind of Mencia

'Achmed' - Well why don't you check the white people?

— Mind of Mencia

'Achmed' - Well why don't you check the Hispanics, is it because you're Hispanic?

— Mind of Mencia

I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!

— Mind of Mencia

Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay. (ése)

— Mind of Mencia

I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!

— Mind of Mencia

Here's how it works: Mexican people are called beaners, okay? I said it! That's right, I said it! I am a funny motherf***er!

— Mind of Mencia

When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called niggas.

— Mind of Mencia

When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless. When black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.

— Mind of Mencia

Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, f***ing Aquaman?

— Mind of Mencia

(from "The Stereotype Song") Jews love bagels and they love money/I am Mexican, I'm so funny.

— Mind of Mencia

Now I admit I like Gold Digger, but Kanye West is a crazy nigga.

— Mind of Mencia

Friends? I see... I have the perfect song for you. (sings) "No one with a penis is really your friend, they say they are but it's all pretend, he listens to your problems every time he phones you, but he's really not, he just wants to bone you!"

— Mind of Mencia

Dos tequilas for the table por favor, both of them for the lady.

— Mind of Mencia

Barkeep: "And if that doesn't work, here's some Vaseline and tissues on the house!"

— Mind of Mencia

(sings) Three dollar tip? ACHMED, KISS MY ASS! You charge more for a Gallon of GAS!

— Mind of Mencia

Great soul of Gandhi, cover your ears. You will not want to hear this! Listen, you inbred piece of Ku Klux Krap! You white people love to be racist, but the only races you can tell apart are Indianapolis and Daytona. I hope I am reincarnated as toothpaste, so I never have to see you again. Now take your twelve-pack of wife-beating juice and get the park out of my store!

— Mind of Mencia

Woman: Fifty lottery tickets, please.

— Mind of Mencia

Oh Rama, here I go again! Listen to you, sounding like Death Vader. You people need cigarettes as much as this country needs another C-average President. Plus you look like a human Pez dispenser! Here are your cigarettes, and here is some gum so you can blow bubbles for that WEIRD-ASS HOLE YOU HAVE IN YOUR NECK. And here are some batteries, for your creeping-me-out machine. Now get the fark out of my store! I hope I am reincarnated as a turtleneck... Thank you for getting that joke!

— Mind of Mencia

Mencia: And for all of you at home, you are all welcome to visit my store. You are also welcome to park off you motherparking parks, and go park yourself. But remember, don't park in a handicapped spot.

— Mind of Mencia