Kathy Griffin

Now the great thing about the current Britney (Spears) tour, is that it has a lot of fantastic dancing... and she doesn't get bogged down in any....ahm...singing!

— Kathy Griffin

It was sweaty Whitney (Houston) in Central Park. She knew that park pretty well. Every bush!

— Kathy Griffin

The first red flag? The crooked wig! That's how you know what level of awareness Whitney is at. Cause let me tell - you know her gay was straightening that wig to the bitter end. Making sure the part was in the right place. But you know what - when the (crack) pipe is shaking? It's hard to keep it on, when the pipe is all shaking.

— Kathy Griffin

(After Houston asks the audience in Central Park to sing along to a new, un-aired song) And the poor gays with the signs are like "We don't know that song yet....it's not even (on the radio)...go Diva....I mean, we don't know that song. I would like to...I don't...??"

— Kathy Griffin

I prefer big Oprah. I know Oprah wants to be skinny Oprah, but her head is too gigantic to fit on a skinny body. She has to accept that, like Kirstie Alley, she was meant to be...ahm....voluptuous!

— Kathy Griffin

I'm saying that she (Whitney Houston) looks great for a "singer"......the way Courtney Love is a "singer".

— Kathy Griffin

Because Oprah would be like "DID YOU DO COOOOCAAAAAAINE???"

— Kathy Griffin

We didn't know that the (Jackson) family was as nuts as we're now finding out. Who knew that Michael was the normal one??

— Kathy Griffin

I am not gonna engage in a debate that Michael Jackson could be the biological father of any of those kids. I'm not havin it, not tonight. There's no way. Those kids are Whitey, Whitey McGee and Whitey McWhiterson!

— Kathy Griffin

(About controversy) What you guys get, that celebrities don't get, is that I live for this shit!

— Kathy Griffin

(About Elisabeth Hasselbeck) Really Hasselbeck, you're gonna throw down with me? I mean, really? If you're gonna come to the play yard, be prepared to fucking play!

— Kathy Griffin

She wouldn't shake my hand! I said "C'mon, be a gentleman".

— Kathy Griffin

Straight guys, this is your section, wake up (clap clap).

— Kathy Griffin

Elin Nordegren could not be happier. How many girls here would trade places with her in a second? Where do I sign? First of all, she doesn't have to bang him (Tiger Woods) anymore! And she's probably gonna get, like $500 million! So they keep getting these pictures of her with the two kids, and she's just laughing all the way to the bank...haaa haaa haaa haaa...heugen fleugen heugen fleugen...hjorda fjorda hjorda fjorda...

— Kathy Griffin

Next thing I know, there a baby in my ter-litt!

— Kathy Griffin

The great thing about celebrity culture is that they can't seem to stop themselves from displaying their ridiculous behaviour. I feel it's my job as a serious investigative journalist to witness all kinds of behaviour and then report back to the audience through the prism of my own anger and bitterness.

— Kathy Griffin

A lot of stars don't have a sense of humor.

— Kathy Griffin

Can you believe this shit? Hell has frozen over. Now, a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is- suck it, Jesus! This award is my god now!

— Kathy Griffin

You know what's great about my mom? She compulsively swears and doesn't know it. Like...I mean, she doesn't have Tourettes. I could never get that lucky. Can you imagine how it would be to have parents with Tourettes? I would be in heaven...but anyway. That is one funny fucking disease.

— Kathy Griffin

There's something about Shania Twain I just don't trust. I don't know, I can't put my finger...she's just too thin. I like my country singers to have the big hair and the big ass.

— Kathy Griffin

(describing Celine Dion's family of 14 siblings) You know there is just issues and boundries and secrets. The name of my book.

— Kathy Griffin

She (Mariah Carey) could not fuck more black rappers. Oh, yeah. If your name is "Puff" or "Daddy," she'll fuck you.

— Kathy Griffin

She (Monica Lewinsky) is the kinda girl who'll blow a guy and call you and tell you all about it.

— Kathy Griffin

I don't know about you, but I fucked a midget. I have secrets.

— Kathy Griffin

So, Hanson, which one of you boys is coming home with me tonight? (greeting the band Hanson)

— Kathy Griffin

Don't you love the new crazy Britney, she's our new Liza.

— Kathy Griffin

Huh, guess ah shouldn't huh did it. (imitating Britney's 55-hour husband Jason Allen Alexander) Come on, Mr. Britney. Grammar, grammar.

— Kathy Griffin

I had a run in with Whitney Houston, or as I call her, "Cracky." Allegedly.

— Kathy Griffin

I actually share one thing with Whitney Houston, which is, I also have sweating issues.

— Kathy Griffin

Apparently, Courtney Love was at Whitney's "intervention". And when Courtney Love is telling you, you're hittin the pipe too hard, well, things are bad! They're really bad!

— Kathy Griffin

I saw Courtney Love have one of her heroin fits....and break a guitar. So I pulled up a chair. What? You gotta be ring-side!

— Kathy Griffin

When Sharon Stone asks you to do something, you just just do it. If Sharon Stone asked me to eat her poo, I'd be like "yeah, what's a good time for you?".(Pretending to eat poo) "This is really good poo Sharon, thanks".(To the audience) Stop picturing it...........and come back!

— Kathy Griffin

Uma Thurman is there.......with her big bag of BS!

— Kathy Griffin

Let's just say I'm gonna be so politically incorrect, you might even get sued for being in the audience.

— Kathy Griffin

I am going after everybody. I'm going after Paltrow. Fuck her. Fuck her!

— Kathy Griffin

Alright, Macy Gray.....what exactly is wrong with her? She, for sure has a little mental retardation. Allegedly!

— Kathy Griffin

And yet she has the fucked-up baby voice! And is there anything more charming than a grown woman with a baby voice? Mmmm, yummy! I'm hard thinking about it.

— Kathy Griffin

And she's like "Angie Harmon is here"!! So I was like, well let me...well fuck me then and I ran as fast as I could!

— Kathy Griffin

Isn't Scientology one of those things where you really like someone and once you hear they're a Scientologist, you're like "I'm out"?

— Kathy Griffin

Donna (Karan), you have huge jugs, you could totally be a manager at Hooters!

— Kathy Griffin

Nothing gets me more nervous than white people who talk black.......I mean, it's fun on "Ricki Lake", but in real life......

— Kathy Griffin

She calls me up and says "Guess what - we're going to the Persian Gulf for Christmas". Immediately I put my hands over my clitoris. I don't want to insult the Muslim culture. It's such a wonderful culture for women - unless you have a clitoris and you're 13 cause they're hacking that shit off!

— Kathy Griffin

I love my clit. I use it every day. Not a day goes by when I don't use it for something.

— Kathy Griffin

When you perform for the Army, they want dick jokes and they want em now!

— Kathy Griffin

There were two cheerleaders, and their job was to basically go out in skimpy outfits and say hi to the guys........and some of the ladies, if you know what I'm saying.

— Kathy Griffin

So then, she looks at Brooke (Shields)'s Dad with his newer wife, and she's like "So, now you're with my ex-husband. Well, congratulations, you can have him"! It was fucking on!!

— Kathy Griffin

She reaches under and grabs my peech and like, squeezes it and walks away. I run over to Brooke and go "Your mother just molested me. I could sue you and own this house"!

— Kathy Griffin

I said "boy, I'd love to get a tour of this house cause it's so beautiful". So she hooks my arm, and she walks by. And then the grooms mother, trying to help me out says "Can I help you ladies with anything?" And then Brooke's Mom; and this is why I love her, without missing a beat, says to the groom's mother - "Shut up, you fucking cunt"!! It was a fucking dream come true!

— Kathy Griffin

And then she (Brooke Sheilds) says the ill-fated words "You have to put this in your act". And I said "What, I would never"! Because it's a private time!!

— Kathy Griffin

They would give us these helicopter rides, and every time we'd get on, the drivers would say "now do you want to ride, or do you want to rrrride? On the helicopter! I'd be like "I want the ride... the first one... the boring one... the ride. I don't want the "rrrride"... I want the ride!

— Kathy Griffin

The wrestler was up there with his wife, and I actually heard her say "Can this thing do a loopty loop?"

— Kathy Griffin

(On signing autographs for troops) I'd be writing To Private so and so, love Kathy Griffin and then I'd go "here, think about this when you beat off".

— Kathy Griffin

So anyway, the show starts, and it's the Army band, and it's all those American "ra ra" songs, you know that whole "I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free." And they eat that shit up!

— Kathy Griffin

All of a sudden, I'm thinking, these guys [Afghani men] aren't so bad. I'm like the type of asshole where if you're nice to me once, I'm your friend for life. Sure, you hacked your kid's clit off, but you were nice!

— Kathy Griffin

If they wanna meet me, they have to shake my hand. And I'm going down the line saying "Yeah, thats right...look at me......I'm an American woman... you can shake my hand, motherfucker... that's right... that's how we roll... hi... (points to herself)... look... whore face....."

— Kathy Griffin

(Talking about Kabul, Afghanistan) It's great for the women. Still in the burkas and the women still can't leave their homes without a man, or else the cleric with the big stick beats them until they go back in. They go back in...they clean the bucket of clits......! Oh Kathy, that was just the limit. You have crossed the line...right after you moved it! So basically, it fucking sucks there and it's a complete shithole.

— Kathy Griffin

So then, I go to this other guy who's just a civilian guy and minding his own business and I go to him like this "Burka - NO"! "Burka - BAD"! Like he's one of my dogs!

— Kathy Griffin

I can't stand that asshole Ryan Seacrest and here's why. He can't sing. He can't dance. He has no talent. When is he gonna go away?

— Kathy Griffin

This thing that's really weird about Seacrest is that he's super into grooming. He gets mani-pedi's. He gets his eyelashes dyed. He goes to Mystic Tan, he flat-irons his hair. Very butch. Very typical of straight men!

— Kathy Griffin

You'll have to excuse my friend, Ryan. That's the first time he's ever touched a woman.

— Kathy Griffin

A lot of stars don't have a sense of humor.

— Kathy Griffin

Oprah decides to go with her "friend", Gayle.

— Kathy Griffin

You've got the two titans. Streisand. Oprah. Both strong black women.

— Kathy Griffin

People with cancer like to wear jogging suits.

— Kathy Griffin

I might imply in my act that Clay (Aiken) is a big, fat homo!

— Kathy Griffin

I was raised right, I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners!

— Kathy Griffin

When Clay Aiken comes to your town - GO! It is a spectacle. It is the gayest thing I have ever seen! Organisers of the Pride Fest in San Francisco are like "We're fucked"!

— Kathy Griffin

Because he loves pussy. Except it smells like fish!

— Kathy Griffin

You know how you get that pre-diarrhoea feeling in your stomach? I'm not saying I shit my pants. But I knew I only had about 90 seconds to play with!

— Kathy Griffin

I know that Lindsay (Lohan) has lost a lot of weight recently, due to diet, Pilates and crack. Without the diet and Pilates.

— Kathy Griffin

What? Steven Spielberg is furious with me? I won't be able to star in any more Steven Spielberg movies? What will I do with my day? Suck my dick!!

— Kathy Griffin

Cause you know my joke is that I love her (Oprah Winfrey) but she thinks she's Jesus? And when she gets a paper cut she's like "Oh, stigmata?". No, Oprah. Get off the cross and do your show!

— Kathy Griffin

If you have not seen the Celine Dion Vegas show, tomorrow, get a plane ticket, go to Vegas... it is the biggest freak show you will ever see! It's Cirque De Celine.

— Kathy Griffin

I guess the contortionists are cool right, very impressive, they're doing stuff we can't do. But for me, once you see the gay guy bend over and fuck himself, I'm done!

— Kathy Griffin

Everytime she walks out (on stage), she acts like she's shocked anyone showed up! Every night! As if every single day, at about 3 o'clock, she's like, "You know Rene, maybe tonight iz ze night zey do not come?"

— Kathy Griffin

[Impersonating Celine) "Zis next song iz for all ze parents in zer audience, and also zer children"...(looks puzzled).... that's just everybody, right?

— Kathy Griffin

I know you love her... you're gay and she's Celine Dion!

— Kathy Griffin

I'm not wearing any pants and the lesbians are waiting!

— Kathy Griffin

And then who comes along to save the day? A couple of tool-belt wearing, golf-loving, Dinah Shore weekend lesbians sent from heaven.

— Kathy Griffin

The 2007 Emmy Awards were a little too Cirque de Seacrest. I shouldn't say that about Ryan, she's a very good hostess.

— Kathy Griffin

As someone who was raised Catholic, and went to St Bernadine's; don't pull your Catholic kid-fucker bullshit with me, motherfuckers! I'm not scared of you. And I'm not havin it!

— Kathy Griffin

I was in the Oak Park theatre group. But we never had $90 000 to take an ad out! We were lucky if we had money for the glitter for the fucking poster!

— Kathy Griffin

Wake up people! If you are gay and living in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, what the fuck else are you gonna do? You're gonna join the musical theatre. That's all you got in Pigeon Forge - there's no "bear" bar! This is it. Suit up.....put the wings on!

— Kathy Griffin

I don't give a fuck who's gay or straight in the Senate. Who cares? But it's always the one that they have all this tape of, saying gay people shouldn't have civil rights, gay people aren't the same, I would never want a gay person......those are always the ones trying to get a headjob at the fucking airport bathroom at the Minneapolis airport!

— Kathy Griffin

(About gay cruising) My gays had to school me, and they said there's a whole system and a language to the tapping. One tap means you're a top, two means you're a bottom.....I don't know, it's very elaborate. Very elaborate.

— Kathy Griffin

I would rather blow a guy in the bathroom at White Castle in between sliders...because I'm romantic!

— Kathy Griffin

(On Paris Hilton) Believe it or not, I sort of know her a little bit. And based on that, I'm here to tell you that she is actually.......um.....retarded!

— Kathy Griffin

I know I'm going to Hell. And I think I might see a few of you there. When I get there, it'll be like (waving) "Hi", "Hi", "Oh my God....Hi!"

— Kathy Griffin

(On William Shatner) He is like my favourite red-faced, bloated booze bag.

— Kathy Griffin