John Oliver

There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers.

— John Oliver

Many people would argue that the most dangerous inhabitant of the earth is currently the self styled 43rd president of the United States. Not so much in deed anymore as in word. Because to hear that man speak is to wish upon yourself physical harm.

— John Oliver

You might look at the Oreo Pizza and think, "That is a reprehensible foodstuff". I put it to you that that is the single most patriotic item I have ever seen in my life! Hoist that up a flagpole! ... Because that is the biggest imaginable "fuck you" you could possibly issue to terrorists. By hoisting the Oreo Pizza up a flagpole, what you're essentially saying is, "There is nothing you can do to us, we are not already doing to ourselves".

— John Oliver

When your rainy day fund is so big you've got to check it for swimming cartoon ducks, you might not be a non-profit anymore.

— John Oliver

You have just constructed a straw man so large you could burn it in the desert and hold an annoying festival around it.

— John Oliver

John Oliver: You've stated that you believe there could be an infinite number of parallel universes. Does that mean that there is a universe out there where I am smarter than you?Stephen Hawking: Yes. And also a universe where you're funny.

— John Oliver

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends: They're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there.

— John Oliver

As far as I can see, this is a system that has enriched multiple companies and that pays and fires teachers with a cattle birthing formula, confuses children with talking pineapples, and has the same kind of rules regarding transparency as Brad Pitt had for Fight Club.

— John Oliver

For the record if someone did that to me I'd hitch a ride to the International Space Station straight away; of course who am I kidding, they would never let me in, I've got spiders for hands! Internet is mean!

— John Oliver

Lest we forget, when Europe goes far right, they go far right through Belgium.

— John Oliver

In science, you don't just get to cherry-pick the parts that justify what you were going to do anyway! That's religion! You're thinking of religion.

— John Oliver

It's like catching an ice cream cone out of the air because a child was hit by a car.

— John Oliver

He is truly one of the most revolting humans (minions) I have ever seen. In a way, there is no more fitting spokesman for the Trump administration than an entitled, elitist arsehole who refuses to take responsibility for the messes he makes, and who can somehow pick a fight with the Statue of Liberty.

— John Oliver

Britain is basically Pompeii if Pompeii had voted for the volcano.

— John Oliver

If you work on a comedy show, your basic form of communication is teasing. That's generally how we speak to each other: you communicate the information between the lines of insulting sentences.

— John Oliver