Joe Rogan

The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone.

— Joe Rogan

It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks.

— Joe Rogan

I really feel like it's a travesty to make a child famous. I really do.

— Joe Rogan

We're constantly re-evaluating the potential for life. We're finding it where we didn't think it could exist, such as volcanic vents and other extreme conditions like under arctic ice. We're finding life in these incredibly harsh and dynamic conditions, so we're having to re-evaluate our own ideas of what's possible on this planet alone.

— Joe Rogan

People are scared man, they're scared of the void.

— Joe Rogan

Just because I'm staring deep into your birth canal does not mean that I'm fucked up. It means you should have paid more attention in high school and I have a dollar. I have four quarters and you have a bad job. Don't get pissed at me because you didn't learn how to type, you no-back-up-plan-having pain in the ass.

— Joe Rogan

I am not homophobic; I am cock-conscious.

— Joe Rogan

Here's the craziest thing about life. This is the thing that nobody really considers: You know as much about what life is all about as anybody who's ever lived, ever. That's the craziest thing about us. We're all just kinda wandering through this, going, "You know what you're doing?" "Yes" "Oh, I do, too. I know what I'm doing." "Okay. Good, then." But really no one has a fucking clue.

— Joe Rogan

Some people don't believe in aliens. I do believe in aliens. But I believe they gave up on people a long time ago. Wouldn't you? I think there's a few liberal aliens out there, still hangin' in,

— Joe Rogan

We have comic book bad guys. Osama Bin Laden is right out of a fucking comic book. Think about it: He's a billionaire genius...who hates us! He lives in a cave. He used to work for the good guys and got all their secrets, and then he switched over to the dark side. And every time they almost capture him, he mysteriously gets away, and leaves behind a threatening tape. What is this, a fuckin' Stan Lee production?

— Joe Rogan

When women go to see men strip, we never accuse you of hating men.

— Joe Rogan

[about Fear Factor] Every now and then I'll be right in the middle of it and just go "What the fuck am I doing? There's a girl with a mouthful of animal dicks, and I'm telling her 'you can get more in there', and she's listening to me. That's my job? Oh, my guidance counselor owes me a fucking apology. That dude lacked vision."

— Joe Rogan

I was raised Catholic. That's why I don't take religion too seriously.

— Joe Rogan

I personally think confession was just someone's idea of a sick joke. One dude came up with it, then he died, and he forgot to tell everyone he was only fuckin' around. Think about the idea of confession...You take a guy who's not allowed to masturbate, or have sex, ever, then you make him wear a costume, then he has to sit in a dark booth, and listen to fuck stories whispered through a hole in the wall!

— Joe Rogan

Guys don't know they're pussy whipped until it's too late. Until you do something that lets you know, like when you shush your friends: "Hey, man, remember that time we went to Vegas and...?" "Dude, shut the fuck up about Vegas! The fuck are you doing?! The window's open, man! She's somewhere in the city!"

— Joe Rogan

No girl wants a secretly gay boyfriend, every dude wants a secretly gay girlfriend.

— Joe Rogan

Nature is everything, okay? We don't like to think that our society is nature, because we created it. But guess what? This is no different than a fuckin' beehive; it's just more complicated, cuz people are smarter than bees. Cities are natural, that's why they're everywhere....You know what's not natural? You...in the middle of the mountains...in the middle of the winter.

— Joe Rogan

I never in my wildest imagination dreamed that I would somehow become a sports commentator.

— Joe Rogan

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

— Joe Rogan

It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks.

— Joe Rogan

The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh.

— Joe Rogan

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

— Joe Rogan

Never stay in a bad marriage, and don't hang around with psycho coke fiends.

— Joe Rogan

I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.

— Joe Rogan

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

— Joe Rogan

We're constantly re-evaluating the potential for life. We're finding it where we didn't think it could exist, such as volcanic vents and other extreme conditions like under arctic ice. We're finding life in these incredibly harsh and dynamic conditions, so we're having to re-evaluate our own ideas of what's possible on this planet alone.

— Joe Rogan

I never in my wildest imagination dreamed that I would somehow become a sports commentator.

— Joe Rogan

I really feel like it's a travesty to make a child famous. I really do.

— Joe Rogan

I think that one of the reasons why people look towards the end of humanity is that people are afraid to die alone. If you die alone, the people you love will miss you, or if they die, you miss them - the sorrow is inevitable. When you truly love someone, the thought of losing them forever is horrible.

— Joe Rogan

The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh.

— Joe Rogan