Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.

— Joan Rivers

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

— Joan Rivers

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.

— Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

— Joan Rivers

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.

— Joan Rivers

Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.

— Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

— Joan Rivers

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

— Joan Rivers

I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.

— Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

— Joan Rivers

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

— Joan Rivers

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

— Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

— Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

— Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

— Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

— Joan Rivers

Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.

— Joan Rivers

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.

— Joan Rivers

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

— Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.

— Joan Rivers

I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.

— Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

— Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

— Joan Rivers

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

— Joan Rivers

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

— Joan Rivers

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

— Joan Rivers

[Catchphrase:] Can we talk?

— Joan Rivers

[Catchphrase:] Oh, grow up!

— Joan Rivers

Why do wives have to spend so much time dusting, vacuuming, mopping, making beds, washing dishes, when you just have to do it all again six months later?

— Joan Rivers

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

— Joan Rivers

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."

— Joan Rivers

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

— Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.

— Joan Rivers

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

— Joan Rivers

Two is company; three is fifty bucks.

— Joan Rivers

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly—hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.

— Joan Rivers

Looking fifty is great—if you're sixty.

— Joan Rivers

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

— Joan Rivers

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

— Joan Rivers

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

— Joan Rivers

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

— Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

— Joan Rivers

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'

— Joan Rivers

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

— Joan Rivers

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

— Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

— Joan Rivers

You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

— Joan Rivers

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I've always figured if you have enough money you can get a key made.

— Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

— Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

— Joan Rivers

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes—and six months later you have to start all over again.

— Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.

— Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

— Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

— Joan Rivers

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

— Joan Rivers

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

— Joan Rivers