Jerry Seinfeld

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Men want to make women happy.

— Jerry Seinfeld

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

— Jerry Seinfeld

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

— Jerry Seinfeld

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

— Jerry Seinfeld

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

— Jerry Seinfeld

Men want to make women happy.

— Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

— Jerry Seinfeld

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

— Jerry Seinfeld

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Economy is essential to all good art .

— Jerry Seinfeld

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

— Jerry Seinfeld

The biggest laugh has to come at the end .

— Jerry Seinfeld

The pitch for the show, the real pitch, when Larry and I went to NBC in 1988, was we want to show how a comedian gets his material. The show about nothing was just a joke in an episode many years later, and Larry and I to this day are surprised that it caught on as a way that people describe the show, because to us it's the opposite of that.

— Jerry Seinfeld

The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Pain is knowledge rushing in to fill a gap. When you stub your toe on the foot of the bed, that was a gap in knowledge. And the pain is a lot of information really quick. That's what pain is.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

— Jerry Seinfeld

You don't have any of those moments. It's literally running with an egg on a spoon.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

— Jerry Seinfeld

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

— Jerry Seinfeld

What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is there aren't many job interviews where there's a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the right man for the job; why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"

— Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Men and women will never understand each other; my advice is to just stop trying. Just forget it. I know I will never understand women. I will never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root...and still be afraid of a spider.

— Jerry Seinfeld

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

— Jerry Seinfeld

Why is McDonald's still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion...who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? "Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied!" I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonald's, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonald's: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them."

— Jerry Seinfeld

The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same. Take people off the street, "Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! I don't wanna be in the luge!" Once you put that helmet on them, "You're in the luge, buddy!" "aaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA...aaaAAAAA..." World record. Didn't even wanna do it. I'd like to see that next Olympics, the Involuntary Luge.

— Jerry Seinfeld

I read that speaking in front of a crowd is the number-one fear in America. I found that amazing. Number two was death. Number two! That means that, if you're ever at a funeral, you'd rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.

— Jerry Seinfeld

There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, "I would like to order the Ginsu Knife."

— Jerry Seinfeld

I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

— Jerry Seinfeld

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

— Jerry Seinfeld

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

— Jerry Seinfeld

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

— Jerry Seinfeld

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

— Jerry Seinfeld