Janeane Garofalo

To a right-winger, unions are awful. Why do right-wingers hate unions? Because collective bargaining is the power that a worker has against the corporation. Right-wingers hate that.

— Janeane Garofalo

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

— Janeane Garofalo

It is not crazy to think that powerful people do some pretty horrible things. And maybe they get out of hand. Maybe it just gets away from them. It snowballs.

— Janeane Garofalo

Men are allowed to age. Men are allowed to gain weight. Men are allowed to be quirky looking.

— Janeane Garofalo

Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area.

— Janeane Garofalo

I can't wait for the next fad though, and I predict it's going to be Pennsylvania dutch culture, very Amish. It's going to be bonnets and butter churns.

— Janeane Garofalo

The camera adds ten pounds. Why? What, we don't have the technology to remedy that one little thing? We can have fucking Forrest Gump cohorting with John F. Kennedy, and we can't just fix that one little thing, the ten pound variant on a lens...You can actually levitate now when you watch a movie about flying, but they just don't have the technology for that ten pound margin of error.

— Janeane Garofalo

I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person — as the people in this room will attest.

— Janeane Garofalo

The notebook. Yes, as you know Garofalo's a little forgetful. Has to bring her notebook. Between the Nutrasweet and the Fen-phen, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch at this point. I gotta have a thing happening here because I don't wanna forget what I wanna discuss with you. I owe you that much.

— Janeane Garofalo

But let me ask you this though, first and foremost: who's your favorite Spice Girl? Mine is Sporty Spice and I'll tell you why. You know what? She might not be as aesthetically pleasant as the rest but she'll do a backflip and steal your heart.

— Janeane Garofalo

Nationalism and patriotism in the wrong hands will destroy lives, it really will, because I'll tell you something: it takes a village to ruin a child. I think we've proven that time and time again in this country.

— Janeane Garofalo

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

— Janeane Garofalo

Granted, not really a joke, but how often do you get a mic in your hand? You know? So. I am sorry but don't anybody trip on my soap box on the way out. Don't anybody trip over that. And the chip on my shoulder's a little heavy. I have back problems now.

— Janeane Garofalo

To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first.

— Janeane Garofalo

I think we all remember where we were when Rush Hour hit the water. That was an important day.

— Janeane Garofalo

Red flag of the eating disorder: the muffin. Keep your eye on the ladies with the muffins...and sometimes I'll just eat the muffin top.

— Janeane Garofalo

You know what is good about these Dixie Chicks burnings or bashings? It's a wonderful, wonderful way for really stupid people to hook up. They meet, they throw some things on the fire, they talk about Vin Diesel, they tell stories about who their favorite Fox anchor is, they exchange phone numbers and in some cases has led to marriages.

— Janeane Garofalo

There's always [on women's magazines] that great photo of the actress or model lifting up her shirt just to show you the bone structure and the six-pack of her own. It's almost like when horses are auctioned and they show you their teeth. 'Am I good enough?'

— Janeane Garofalo

All roads lead to my dogs, don't they?

— Janeane Garofalo

When I see guys in bars wearing the real fitted kind of Calvin Klein v-neck t-shirts I just want to go up to them and be like, 'Oh, do you work out? Your tricep looks so great - thank you.'

— Janeane Garofalo

It sounds like I'm always being facetious. That's why I never get voice over work. 'You sound like you hate the product.'

— Janeane Garofalo

You know George W. Bush is a war-time president, he says - proudly. Guess what. War is failure! When you are at war, you have failed! When you have gone to a war of choice and lied about it, you're a double-triple, triple-quadruple failure! Or a warlord. It's called a warlord in other countries. A war time president here. One man's ceiling I guess is another man's floor. George Bush is a warlord. He's a failure!

— Janeane Garofalo

Anybody who French bashes just might as well wear a badge that says 'I am a follower! I don't think for myself and I have no idea what I'm talking about.' That would be a French basher.

— Janeane Garofalo