Jane Wagner

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.

— Jane Wagner

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

— Jane Wagner

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.

— Jane Wagner

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

— Jane Wagner

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

— Jane Wagner

Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it....

— Jane Wagner

Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

— Jane Wagner

When you're dancing the mystical dance of the molecules, you're not the one who's leading.

— Jane Wagner

It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

— Jane Wagner

All my life, I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

— Jane Wagner

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.

— Jane Wagner

If I had known what it would be like to have it all... I might have been willing to settle for less.

— Jane Wagner

Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.

— Jane Wagner

No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.

— Jane Wagner

I bet the worst part about dying is the part where your whole life passes before you.

— Jane Wagner

Your problem is your role models were models.

— Jane Wagner

I swear people don't want sex so much as they want somebody who'll listen to 'em … the first thing you learn after fellatio is how to listen.

— Jane Wagner

Remember we're all in this alone.

— Jane Wagner

Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.

— Jane Wagner

For fast acting relief, try slowing down.

— Jane Wagner

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

— Jane Wagner

If the formula for water is HO squared?

— Jane Wagner

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

— Jane Wagner

If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed.

— Jane Wagner

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

— Jane Wagner

The best mind-altering drug is truth.

— Jane Wagner

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

— Jane Wagner

Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying — but when God talks to us, we're said to be schizophrenic?

— Jane Wagner

Interviewer: You once said you had a drug problem... Lily: Yeah, I still do. It's so hard to find good grass these days.

— Jane Wagner