Human Giant

"What the shit, man!" (Aziz Ansari)

— Human Giant

"There's something you left off your resume.. Why don't you call us back.. when you're not Asian!" (Aziz Ansari as Bill)

— Human Giant

"Prepare your mind... (Aziz Ansari as John Satan)

— Human Giant

"...for a MIND EXPLOSION!!!" (Paul Scheer as Scott Devil)

— Human Giant

"Fiddling knobs, touching keys, having fun with a full grown man" (Aziz Ansari)

— Human Giant

"Come on, man, I got a full beard!" (Aziz Ansari)

— Human Giant

"Whales, you swim in my piss!" (Rob Huebel)

— Human Giant

"Oh yeah, Doritos time! Got to crunch it 'cause it's good! And the lightning bolt crashes. Hey old man, what you eatin'? Well I'm eatin' a big bag of Doritos. Doritos! Ding!" (Paul Scheer)

— Human Giant

"I don't drink Tang, on EARTH!" (Rob Huebel as Cliff Tarpey)

— Human Giant

"Oh No. Pictures of my vagina leaked out onto the internet." (Rob Huebel)

— Human Giant

"Blood Oath!" (Rob Huebel)

— Human Giant

"And that's why I think video game tennis is just better than regular tennis." (Aziz Ansari)

— Human Giant

"No. We have to settle this... in space." (Rob Huebel as Cliff Tarpey)

— Human Giant

"I'm young, I'm hot, I'm sexy on the spot, touch me here, touch me..." (Paul Scheer)

— Human Giant

"I'm Suryat, are your balls bigger than mine? No, of course not, I'm Suryat, my balls are huge!" (Aziz Ansari as Suryat)

— Human Giant

"It's the prank of the century! Paul made love to a dude, yeah!" (Aziz Ansari)

— Human Giant

"Go back in time and give your mother an abortion!" (Paul Scheer)

— Human Giant

"Think you got what it takes? Well, take a shit on Mt. Rushmore and call me Jefferson, buddy" (Aziz Ansari as Suryat)

— Human Giant

"I don't want you out there on the bully plane calling me up, saying 'hey, I gotta pull up my marshmallow pants and hit the boohoo button, 'cause I don't know where the cranberries are.' You know what I mean?" (Aziz Ansari as Suryat)

— Human Giant

"You shut up when I'm eating. YOU SHUT UP!!!" (Rob Huebel)

— Human Giant

"Everybody shut up! Shut up! I'm gonna do that thing where you tuck your penis in so it looks like a vagina! 'Oh look at me I'm a pretty girl! I'm a pretty girl! Oh touch my nipples cause I'm so pretty!'" (Paul Scheer as Randy Wattson)

— Human Giant

"Nobody can defeat my light saber!" (Paul Scheer as Randy Wattson)

— Human Giant

"I've decided that if you don't post that Tapes 'n Tapes mp3, I'm going to come back here tomorrow and give you a Colombian necktie." (Aziz Ansari as Clell Tickle)

— Human Giant

"Tickle's right hand man is former Ultimate Fighting champion and convicted child arsonist, Hambone." (Rob Huebel as T.C. Everwood)

— Human Giant

"Clell Tickle ripped my beard off! This isn't even a real beard, man! This thing's fake!" (Devendra Banhart)

— Human Giant

"When you go home after this show I want you to blog about this band; I want you to post pictures. 'Cause if you don't, I'll fucking come to your house man and I'll kill your dog. And if you don't have a dog, I'll hurt the weakest member of your family!" (Aziz Ansari as Clell Tickle)

— Human Giant

"If bands had cocks, this bands cock would be fucking huge!" (Aziz Ansari as Clell Tickle)

— Human Giant

"People say, 'Clell, Clell! You got blood on your hands!' Yeah, well I got gold records on my wall...And I got blood on my hands." (Aziz Ansari as Clell Tickle)

— Human Giant

"There are over 1,200 different organs in the human body. Of these, the eye is not only the largest, but the number one sight giving organ." (Rob Huebel as Dr. Sanjay Gupta)

— Human Giant

"Thanks for the coffee you piece of shit! You just got swindled!" (Aziz Ansari as Jimmy Norville)

— Human Giant

"What John and Scott don't understand is that when you cover the human eye... like this... seeing becomes virtually impossible. And walking? Well, that's literally impossible." (Rob Huebel as Dr. Sanjay Gupta)

— Human Giant

"You know, you can't get pregnant on the moon." (Rob Huebel as Cliff Tarpey)

— Human Giant

"I'm the kind of astronaut that murders for sport." (Rob Huebel as Cliff Tarpey)

— Human Giant

"I'm going to be all over this guy, just like the melted cheddar cheese all over this mesquite chicken with bacon sandwich" (Aziz Ansari as Cannonball)

— Human Giant

"We are now the Weenie Kings." (Paul Scheer as Zerg, a character based on General Zod)

— Human Giant

"You thought it was gonna be tastefully done? Well guess what? It tastefully didn't earn me no money!" (Bobby J)

— Human Giant

"I've been arrested four times! One of those times was bullshit!" (Paul Scheer as G-Force)

— Human Giant

"The Deluxe Clean Vacuum has been recalled because it has been diagnosed with hemophilia." (Narrator on Human Giant's Product Recalls)

— Human Giant

"You say anything I will cut you" (Paul Scheer as a Genie)

— Human Giant

"Federal penal system, you just got swindled' (Aziz Ansari as Jimmy Norville)

— Human Giant

"The hardest part about rollerblading is telling your parents you're gay." (Aziz Ansari as a Rollerblader)

— Human Giant

"Why would you say such things when you know I will kill you?" (Paul Scheer as Zerg)

— Human Giant

"My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born" (Aziz Ansari)

— Human Giant