Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

— Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

— Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

— Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

— Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

— Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

— Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

— Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

— Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

— Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

— Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

— Henny Youngman

Take my wife - please!

— Henny Youngman

Business was so bad the other night the orchestra was playing "Tea for One."

— Henny Youngman

My first Hollywood picture wasn't released, it escaped.

— Henny Youngman

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother,

— Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

— Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

— Henny Youngman

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

— Henny Youngman

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

— Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

— Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

— Henny Youngman

My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

— Henny Youngman

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

— Henny Youngman

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

— Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

— Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

— Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

— Henny Youngman

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

— Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

— Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

— Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

— Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

— Henny Youngman

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

— Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

— Henny Youngman

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

— Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

— Henny Youngman

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

— Henny Youngman

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

— Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

— Henny Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

— Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

— Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

— Henny Youngman

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

— Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

— Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

— Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

— Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

— Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

— Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

— Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

— Henny Youngman

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

— Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

— Henny Youngman

Take my wife... Please!

— Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

— Henny Youngman

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

— Henny Youngman

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

— Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

— Henny Youngman

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

— Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

— Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

— Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

— Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

— Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

— Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

— Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

— Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

— Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

— Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

— Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

— Henny Youngman

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

— Henny Youngman

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

— Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

— Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

— Henny Youngman

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

— Henny Youngman

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

— Henny Youngman

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

— Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

— Henny Youngman

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

— Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

— Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

— Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

— Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

— Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

— Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

— Henny Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

— Henny Youngman