George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.

— George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

— George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

— George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

— George Carlin

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

— George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

— George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

— George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

— George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

— George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

— George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

— George Carlin

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

— George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

— George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

— George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

— George Carlin

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

— George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

— George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

— George Carlin

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

— George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

— George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

— George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

— George Carlin

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

— George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

— George Carlin

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

— George Carlin

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

— George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

— George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

— George Carlin

The status quo sucks.

— George Carlin

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

— George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

— George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

— George Carlin

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

— George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

— George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

— George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

— George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

— George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

— George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

— George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

— George Carlin

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

— George Carlin

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

— George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

— George Carlin

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

— George Carlin

Religion is just mind control.

— George Carlin

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

— George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

— George Carlin

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

— George Carlin

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

— George Carlin

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

— George Carlin

When they talk about drugs, they don't talk about all of them. They never mention coffee. The low end of the speed spectrum, I grant you, but there are coffee freaks. And they're walking around, nobody worrying about it.

— George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

— George Carlin

Birth control pills are still on prescription. You still need a note to get laid.

— George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

— George Carlin

And athletes, athletes got into uppers, college athletes. The right wing's last line of defense on campus. They're doing amphetamines. Remember when "being up for the game" was kind of a spiritual thing? Now, man..."You up for the game?" "(pop, pop) Been up all week, man!"

— George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

— George Carlin

I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. You know, you grow.

— George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

— George Carlin

O Beautiful, for smoggy skies, insecticided grain

— George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

— George Carlin

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

— George Carlin

There are two-way words, like, it's okay for Curt Gowdy to say, "Roberto Clemente has two balls on him!" But he can't say, "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony, don't you?"

— George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

— George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

— George Carlin

And the other two-way word is "prick". It's okay if it happens to your finger; yes, you can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick!

— George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

— George Carlin

Nobody goes right to work. You might get there on time, but, screw the company, those first twenty minute belong to you, right? It's not an attitude in line with the American Spirit, but there it is: we all screw around first. "I just got here, man, you kiddin' me?" Really. You never see a memo that says 9:01.

— George Carlin

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

— George Carlin

If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! We won the big game today, yes sir!" But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?"

— George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

— George Carlin

Spoiler: advertising man says, "It's Good!"

— George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

— George Carlin

Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms.

— George Carlin

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

— George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. Especially if it's me!

— George Carlin

Think off-center.

— George Carlin

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

— George Carlin

Always do whatever's next.

— George Carlin

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, man? There's such balance in nature.

— George Carlin

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

— George Carlin

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass".

— George Carlin

And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.

— George Carlin

So I say live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.

— George Carlin

Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm goin' upstairs and fuck your grandmother." Well he was an honest guy ya know, he wasn't gonna bullshit a 4-year-old.

— George Carlin

Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.

— George Carlin

Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. And don't let me be hit by a flying turd.

— George Carlin

Let's go for a drive OK? Well I'll go for a drive, you'll go for a ride. The person who drives the car they go for a drive, the other people they go for a ride. People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. Say "you assholes are goin' for a ride!"

— George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

— George Carlin

Have you noticed that there are some people, who when they lose something, their first reaction is that it had to be stolen? First thing- "Hey! It was stolen!" It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. And even if it's something that anyone would really want that much. "Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!"

— George Carlin

There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.

— George Carlin

I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked 5 twos!

— George Carlin

And you know, I always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to give her some tongue. And I'd say "Well, I don't get off 'till four o'clock." And she'd say "Well, I don't get off at all. That's why I'm looking for some tongue!"

— George Carlin

You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!

— George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

— George Carlin

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration. Two-hundred and twenty-five of 'em, so far! 225 different people in the Ronald Reagan administration have either quit, been fired, arrested, indicted or convicted of either breaking the law or violating the ethics code!

— George Carlin

Next time you're at a wishing well. Doesn't happen often. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. Either you gimme my money back—or I'm shittin' in the well!

— George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

— George Carlin

It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.

— George Carlin

Let me get a sip of water here...you figure this stuff is safe to drink? [audience yells "No"] Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? 'Cause I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day.

— George Carlin

But what's the alternative? What's the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months? Pointless careerism? Pointless careerism, putting on a man tailored suit and shoulder pads and imitating all the worst behavior of men? Is this the noblest thing that women can think of?

— George Carlin

Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a...secret; "You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that." Government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game they're in.

— George Carlin

Think of the intellect it must take to derive pleasure from this activity: Hitting a ball with a crooked stick...and walking after it! And then...hitting it again! I say pick it up, asshole, you're lucky you found the fuckin' thing! Put it in your pocket and go home, you're a winner! You're a winner! But no, Dorko in the plaid knickers is gonna hit it again, and walk some more.

— George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

— George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

— George Carlin

Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuals. Leave these fucking people alone for Christ's sake. Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion and the Catholics and the Christians are just tossing them aside. You'd think they'd make natural allies. Don't look for consistency in religion.

— George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

— George Carlin

I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people; a maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.

— George Carlin

I'm also tired of hearing about 'innocent victims'. This is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent victims. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. Next fucking case! Your birth certificate is proof of guilt!

— George Carlin

And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." According to these guys, Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those "miracles."

— George Carlin

So let me ask you something: how's everybody doing tonight, huh? (audience cheers) Good, well, fuck you! Just trying to make you feel at home.

— George Carlin

Clinton might be full of shit, but at least he lets ya know it! Dole tried to hide it, didn't he? Dole kept saying "I'm a plain and honest man." BULLSHIT! People don't believe that! What did Clinton say? He said "Hi folks, I'm completely full of shit and how do ya like that?" And the people said "You know something? At least he's honest!" At least he's honest about being completely full of shit.

— George Carlin

I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.

— George Carlin

Everything's been sanitized now and cleaned up.

— George Carlin

You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they're already there. Isn't that nice? It's nice. It's convenient.

— George Carlin

People are fucking nuts. This country is full of nitwits and assholes. You ever notice that? Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits. And they all vote. In fact, sometimes you get the impression that they're the only ones who vote.

— George Carlin

I'd like to begin by saying fuck Lance Armstrong. Fuck him and his balls, and his bicycles, and his steroids, and his yellow shirts, and the dumb empty expression on his face. I'm tired of that asshole.

— George Carlin

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired.

— George Carlin

This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other, and one of them says, "Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died." "Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday." "Yeah? … Didn't help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow his cancer down. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil's death. How do you live with yourself?"

— George Carlin

I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.

— George Carlin

But let’s say it’s true; let’s say God gave us these rights. Why would he give us a certain Just fuckin' slipped his mind.

— George Carlin

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

— George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

— George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

— George Carlin

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

— George Carlin

Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.

— George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

— George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

— George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

— George Carlin

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

— George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

— George Carlin