Fred Allen

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

— Fred Allen

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

— Fred Allen

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

— Fred Allen

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

— Fred Allen

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

— Fred Allen

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

— Fred Allen

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

— Fred Allen

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

— Fred Allen

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

— Fred Allen

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

— Fred Allen

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

— Fred Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

— Fred Allen

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

— Fred Allen

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

— Fred Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

— Fred Allen

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 pm to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished even before lunch.

— Fred Allen

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

— Fred Allen

All the sincerity in Hollywood you could stuff in a flea's navel and still have room left to conceal eight caraway seeds and an agent's heart.

— Fred Allen

A good comedian can say things funny and other guys just say funny things.

— Fred Allen

Sullivan will be successful as long as other people have talent.

— Fred Allen

What does Sullivan do? He points at people. Rub meat on actors and dogs will do the same thing.

— Fred Allen

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

— Fred Allen

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

— Fred Allen

California's a wonderful place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

— Fred Allen

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

— Fred Allen