Fran Lebowitz

My favorite animal is steak.

— Fran Lebowitz

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

— Fran Lebowitz

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.

— Fran Lebowitz

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

— Fran Lebowitz

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

— Fran Lebowitz

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

— Fran Lebowitz

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

— Fran Lebowitz

You're only as good as your last haircut.

— Fran Lebowitz

Polite conversation is rarely either.

— Fran Lebowitz

I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?

— Fran Lebowitz

There's no such thing as advice to the lovelorn. If they took advice, they wouldn't be lovelorn. You see, advice and lovelorn don't go together. Because advice makes love sound like some sort of cognitive activity, but we know that it isn't. We all know that it's some sort of horrible chemical reaction over which we have absolutely no control. And that's why advice doesn't work.

— Fran Lebowitz

Should novels generally be 600 pages? No, they should not. Half of writing, maybe 3/4 of writing, is editing. This seems to be a thing that has not gotten through to them. It’s my impression that you could get rid of half of most of these books. These people are not good enough to be this long, but they’re apparently also not good enough to be shorter.

— Fran Lebowitz

I doubt there’s ever been a true thing said on Fox. Maybe the weather report, maybe not.

— Fran Lebowitz

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive — you are leaking.

— Fran Lebowitz

Rome is a very loony city in every respect. One needs but spend an hour or two there to realize that Fellini makes documentaries.

— Fran Lebowitz

Any child who cannot do long division by himself does not deserve to smoke.

— Fran Lebowitz

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.

— Fran Lebowitz

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

— Fran Lebowitz

Bread that must be sliced with an ax is bread that is too nourishing.

— Fran Lebowitz

Women who insist on having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type.

— Fran Lebowitz

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publication.

— Fran Lebowitz

If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.

— Fran Lebowitz

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

— Fran Lebowitz

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disc jockey is not allowed to talk.

— Fran Lebowitz

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

— Fran Lebowitz

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.

— Fran Lebowitz

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

— Fran Lebowitz

Do not elicit your child's political opinions. He doesn't know any more than you do.

— Fran Lebowitz

Children do not really need money. After all, they don't have to pay rent or send mailgrams.

— Fran Lebowitz

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

— Fran Lebowitz

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable expectations and eventual disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around the room with royal-blue chickens.

— Fran Lebowitz

Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth.

— Fran Lebowitz

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

— Fran Lebowitz

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

— Fran Lebowitz

Should you be a teenager blessed with uncommon good looks, document this state of affairs by the taking of photographs. It is the only way anyone will ever believe you in years to come.

— Fran Lebowitz

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

— Fran Lebowitz

Think before you speak. Read before you think. This will give you something to think about that you didn't make up yourself - a wise move at any age, but most especially at seventeen, when you are in the greatest danger of coming to annoying conclusions.

— Fran Lebowitz

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

— Fran Lebowitz

You're only as good as your last haircut.

— Fran Lebowitz

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

— Fran Lebowitz

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.

— Fran Lebowitz

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

— Fran Lebowitz

If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.

— Fran Lebowitz

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

— Fran Lebowitz

My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.

— Fran Lebowitz

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

— Fran Lebowitz

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

— Fran Lebowitz

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness and death.

— Fran Lebowitz