Erma Bombeck

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

— Erma Bombeck

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

— Erma Bombeck

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

— Erma Bombeck

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

— Erma Bombeck

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

— Erma Bombeck

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

— Erma Bombeck

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

— Erma Bombeck

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

— Erma Bombeck

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

— Erma Bombeck

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

— Erma Bombeck

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

— Erma Bombeck

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

— Erma Bombeck

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

— Erma Bombeck

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

— Erma Bombeck

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

— Erma Bombeck

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

— Erma Bombeck

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

— Erma Bombeck

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

— Erma Bombeck

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

— Erma Bombeck

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

— Erma Bombeck

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

— Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows.

— Erma Bombeck

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

— Erma Bombeck

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

— Erma Bombeck

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

— Erma Bombeck

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

— Erma Bombeck

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

— Erma Bombeck

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

— Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows.

— Erma Bombeck

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

— Erma Bombeck

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

— Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows.

— Erma Bombeck

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

— Erma Bombeck

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

— Erma Bombeck

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

— Erma Bombeck

If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?

— Erma Bombeck

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

— Erma Bombeck

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

— Erma Bombeck

I remember thinking how often we look, but never see … we listen, but never hear … we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive.

— Erma Bombeck

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.

— Erma Bombeck

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else*

— Erma Bombeck

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

— Erma Bombeck

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

— Erma Bombeck

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

— Erma Bombeck

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

— Erma Bombeck

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

— Erma Bombeck

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

— Erma Bombeck

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

— Erma Bombeck

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

— Erma Bombeck

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

— Erma Bombeck

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

— Erma Bombeck

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

— Erma Bombeck

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

— Erma Bombeck

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

— Erma Bombeck