Emo Philips

You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!

— Emo Philips

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

— Emo Philips

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

— Emo Philips

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

— Emo Philips

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference."

— Emo Philips

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

— Emo Philips

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

— Emo Philips

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

— Emo Philips

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

— Emo Philips

My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.

— Emo Philips

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

— Emo Philips

I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

— Emo Philips

When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

— Emo Philips

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

— Emo Philips

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

— Emo Philips

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

— Emo Philips

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would … and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

— Emo Philips

I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that.

— Emo Philips

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

— Emo Philips

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

— Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

— Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

— Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

— Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

— Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

— Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

— Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

— Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

— Emo Philips

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

— Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

— Emo Philips

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

— Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

— Emo Philips

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

— Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

— Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

— Emo Philips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

— Emo Philips

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

— Emo Philips

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"

— Emo Philips

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

— Emo Philips

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

— Emo Philips

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

— Emo Philips

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

— Emo Philips

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..

— Emo Philips

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...

— Emo Philips

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

— Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

— Emo Philips