Bill Hicks

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

— Bill Hicks

The idea of getting a, you know, syringe full of heroin and shooting it in the vein under my cock right now seems like almost a productive act.

— Bill Hicks

I loved when Bush came out and said, "We are losing the war against drugs." You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

— Bill Hicks

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

— Bill Hicks

All governments are lying cocksuckers.

— Bill Hicks

It's all about money, not freedom, y'all, okay? Nothing to do with fuckin' freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?

— Bill Hicks

Yeah, good to be here. I haven't been here in two years...[no applause]...thanks. It's that warmth I've missed in Austin. [Adding extra Southern drawl] So, we been here, ain't our fault you gotta travel around, shit. We supposed to follow you around? You supposed to be back here. What are you doin', where are you?

— Bill Hicks

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

— Bill Hicks

Where have I been? I've been on my flying saucer tour. Which means like flying saucers I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately...no one doubts my existence.

— Bill Hicks

There's some serious pockets of humanity out there. Go to some of these truck stops in the middle of nowhere you'll meet some serious folk. Order coffee the guy behind the counter goes 'you want the 32 oz. or the large?' Shit, how big is that large? 'You goin' want to pull yer car 'round back, I goin' start that pump.' That sounds like a lot of coffee, dude. I don't know if I want to be awake that long in Tennessee. On second thought give me that pussy size.

— Bill Hicks

I saw a sign on the side of the road in Tennessee once that said 'dirt for sale'...what a great country we live in. DIRT for sale. How would you like to get inside that guys mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn't he? It's a big world for this gentleman. 'Oh my god, honey! Honey quit servin' waffles and come here baby. I'm gunna sell dirt! Look it's everywhere. You need it for our planet, honey!' The place was called Land Land.

— Bill Hicks

I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America. [salutes].

— Bill Hicks

[mimics someone complaining about second hand smoke] Good theory. But guess what, if I don't smoke there's going to be secondary bullets coming your way, 'cause I'm that tense.

— Bill Hicks

[to audience member] How much do you smoke a day sir? [the man says a pack] Pack! What a little puss. Gosh, why don't you just put a dress on and show it all to us while you smoke your little faggoty pack. C'mon, swish around for us. Damnit that pisses me off. I go through two lighters a day, dude. I'm starting to feel it.

— Bill Hicks

What I do, and I know all smokers do this. You know how every cigarette pack has a different surgeon general's warning on it, how cool. Mine say, "Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth." ...fuck it. [laughs] I found my brand. Just don't get the ones that say, "Lung Cancer," ya know, shop around. Hell gimme a carton of them Low Birth Weights. What the fuck do I care? 'Why you so down Bill?' Low Birth Weight. Yeah, I'm smokin' way too many Low Birth Weights.

— Bill Hicks

[takes a drag of his cigarette] Mmmm mmmm, tastes like steak and potatoes doesn't it? Mmmm.

— Bill Hicks

See I don't drink, I smoke. I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club. [starts dancing, mimics being handcuffed and walked to police car] Hey what is this, a leather bar? Hey I'm not into this, you faggots, oh SHIT!

— Bill Hicks

Anybody can be a bum; all it takes is the right girl, the right bar and the right friends, and you are well… your buddies will see you off. They'll christen your dumpster for you.

— Bill Hicks

… We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. God-dammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house.

— Bill Hicks

One time me and three friends dropped acid and drove around in my dad's car. He has one of those talking cars, we're tripping, and the car goes, "The door is ajar." We pulled over and thought about that for 12 hours. "How can a door be a jar?" … "Why would they put a jar on a car?" … "Oh man, the freeway's melting!" … "Put it in the jar."

— Bill Hicks

Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.

— Bill Hicks

There's some serious pockets of humanity in this country. Go to any of these truck stops in the middle of nowhere, you meet some serious folk, man. Order coffee, the guy behind the counter goes, "You want the 32-ounce or the large?" Geez, how big is that large? "You'll wanna pull your car around back. I'll start the pump". That's a lot of fucking coffee, I don't know if I want to be awake that long in Tennessee.

— Bill Hicks

Good evening, my name is Bill Hicks. I've been on the road now doing comedy 12 years, so, uh, bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit one more time. … I'm kinda tired of traveling, kinda tired of doing comedy, kinda tired of staring out at your blank faces looking back at me, wanting me to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourselves.

— Bill Hicks

They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.

— Bill Hicks

I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.

— Bill Hicks

People pay lip service to saving the planet, but they don't – they fail to make the big leap that if you want to save the planet, kill your fucking self. The planet will be saved without you. And what a delightful place it'll be. Welcome. It's a new thing I'm working on, called "The Comedy of Hate". Join in.

— Bill Hicks

I am available for children's parties, by the way.

— Bill Hicks

Not all drugs are good, all right? Some of them … are great. Just gotta know your way around them, is all.

— Bill Hicks

Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?

— Bill Hicks

I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" Nothing. "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?

— Bill Hicks

People say, "Uh-Uh, Bill, Iraq had the fourth-largest army in the world." Yeah, well, maybe, but, you know what? After the first three largest armies there's a really big fucking drop-off, okay? The Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports. So, who is the bigger threat?

— Bill Hicks

Those guys [in the Persian Gulf War] were in hog heaven, man. They had a weapons catalog, "What's G-12 do, Tommy?" "Says here it destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth, helps pay for the war effort." Well, shit, pull that one up!" "Pull up G-12, please." [sound of a missile launch, several beats, then an explosion "...Cool. What's G-13 do?"

— Bill Hicks

I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"

— Bill Hicks

You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. 'Cause you know what, the musicians that made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years were rrreal fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.

— Bill Hicks

They're putting the cart before the horse on this pornography issue. Playboy doesn't cause sexual thoughts. There are sexual thoughts, and, therefore, there is Playboy. Don't you see? I know these sound like deep philosophical questions, "What came first, the hard-on or the Madonna video?" and "If a hard-on falls in the forest, do you go blind?" and "What does an atheist scream when they come?"

— Bill Hicks

You know what causes sexual thoughts? I'm gonna clear the air for you tonight. I'm gonna end this debate, hopefully once and for all while on this planet, 'cause outer space awaits our presence, we are better and more unique creatures than this and all eternity is our playground, so let me go ahead and clear this one issue up once and for all and let's move on to real issues. Can we? Great. Here's what causes sexual thoughts. Ready, drumroll: having a dick.

— Bill Hicks

I don't know what you all believe, and I don't really care … but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks … you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

— Bill Hicks

People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

— Bill Hicks

I was walking through Central Park, and I saw an old man smoking. Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking. This guy was ancient, bent over a walker, puffing away. I'm like, "Duuude, you're my hero! Guy your age smoking, man, it's great." He goes, "What? I'm 28."

— Bill Hicks

I wish I could meet a Christian who would proselytize to me, but they keep running away from me. I wanna talk to you all.

— Bill Hicks

How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? ...Seventy percent. What the fuck? Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?

— Bill Hicks

God put [dinosaur fossils] here to test our faith!" … I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. Does that bother anybody else, the idea that God might be fucking with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God runnin' around, [pantomimes digging] "We'll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God – I am killing me!

— Bill Hicks

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well – you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

— Bill Hicks

People tell me, 'Bill, let it go. The Kennedy assassination was years ago. It was just the assassination of a President and the hijacking of our government by a totalitarian regime — who cares? Just let it go.' I say, 'All right then. That whole Jesus thing? Let it go! It was 2,000 years ago! Who cares?'

— Bill Hicks

You ever look at their faces? "We're pro-life." Don't they look it? Don't they just exude joie de vivre?

— Bill Hicks

"I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God." And I say no, it's not, Dad. "Well, I believe that it is." Well, you know, some people believe they're Napoleon. That's fine. Beliefs are neat. Cherish them, but don't share them like they're the truth.

— Bill Hicks

I was over in Australia during Easter, which was really interesting. You know, they celebrate Easter the exact same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children that a giant bunny rabbit … left chocolate eggs in the night. Now … I wonder why we're fucked up as a race. I've read the Bible. I can't find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in the fucking book.

— Bill Hicks

Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day. Doesn't Rush Limbaugh remind you of one of those gay guys that like to lie in a tub while other guys pee on him?

— Bill Hicks

Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right? There's another 90 percent of our brains that we have to illuminate.

— Bill Hicks

How many of y’all wondered like I did during the LA riots when those people\xa0were being pulled out of their trucks and beaten half to death, how many of y’all\xa0wondered like I did… Step on the fucking gas, man! They're on foot, you're in a truck … I think I see a way out of this. It’s that pedestrian right of way law. "

— Bill Hicks

You ever notice how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved?\xa0Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in\xa0one day." Yeah, looks like He rushed it.\xa0

— Bill Hicks

Now we have women priests. What do y’all think of that? Women priests? [scattered applause] Yeah. I\xa0think it’s fine, women priests, you know. So what? Now we got priests of both\xa0sexes I don’t listen to.

— Bill Hicks

Courtroom filled with women trying to meet Ted Bundy, give him love letters and wedding proposals – this is what the article says. And I’m sorry to say the first thing I\xa0thought when I read that was, "And I'm not gettin’ laid.’ What am I doing wrong, you know? A natural question.

— Bill Hicks

I guarantee\xa0you Satan’s gonna have no problems on this planet, ‘cause all the women are\xa0gonna go:\xa0 "What a cute butt!" "He's Satan." "You don't know him like I do." "He's the Prince of Darkness." "I can change him."

— Bill Hicks

(On drug laws): Isn’t that weird, we’ve made nature against the law. That’s how un-natural we’ve become.

— Bill Hicks

(On being called cynical & skeptical): “I do have a healthy skepticism, I think we all should. But I think if you listen closely enough, you’ll find that my message, if I as a joke-blower could be pompous enough to have one, is that we’re all alright and it’s gonna work out. I don’t find that cynical at all.”

— Bill Hicks

(On being censored): “I didn’t go up and say the Pope’s a faggot!....Which is what he is, but I didn’t say that!”

— Bill Hicks

(On being censored): “It amazes me how afraid they are of 1 person….basically a joke blower!”

— Bill Hicks

(On Standards & Practices): “Where are your standards?....Stupid to retarded, is that the level of standards you’re trying to put out to America?”

— Bill Hicks

People suck, and that's my contention. I can prove it on a scratch paper and pen. Give me a fucking Etch-a-sketch, I'll do it in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum. I'll show my work, case closed. I'm tired of this back-slapping "Aren't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

— Bill Hicks

I'll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. "I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs." "I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking." "Hey, wait a minute, there's one guy holding out both puppets!" "Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid. By the way, keep drinking beer, you fucking morons."

— Bill Hicks

There's a new party being born: The People Who Hate People Party. People who hate people, come together! "No!" We're kind of having trouble getting off the boards, you know. Come to our meeting! "Are you gonna be there?" Yeah. "Then I ain't fucking coming." But you're our strongest member! "Fuck you!" That's what I'm talking about, you asshole. "Fuck off!" Damn, we almost had a meeting going. It's so hard to get my people together.

— Bill Hicks

I hate patriotism. I can’t stand it, man — makes me fuckin’ sick. It’s a round world last time I checked.

— Bill Hicks

The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.

— Bill Hicks

"Now, you have to tighten your belts, because we, your leaders, mis-spent your hard-earned money." Know what would make tightening my belt a little easier? If I could tighten it around Jesse Helms' scrawny little chicken-neck.

— Bill Hicks

Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day.

— Bill Hicks

Oh, there's a threat to America! Yeah, yeah, yeah … back to that fucking COPS show. 'Cause I'll tell you who the threat to freedom … no, no, not to freedom. I'll tell you who the threat to the status quo is in this country: it's us. That's why they show you shows like fucking COPS. So you know that state power will win and we'll bust your house down and we'll fuckin' bust you anytime we want. That's the message.

— Bill Hicks

Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They're sick, they're not criminals. Sick people don't get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense.

— Bill Hicks

I've been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately. I've been doubting my own existence.

— Bill Hicks

How much do you smoke, sir? Two packs a day, is that right? Pussy. I go through two lighters a day. That's right, two lighters! You're a health nut compared to me. You're like the Jack LaLanne of smokers compared to me.

— Bill Hicks

I know this is not a very popular idea. You don't hear it too often any more … but it's the truth. I have taken drugs before and … I had a real good time. Sorry. Didn't murder anybody, didn't rape anybody, didn't rob anybody, didn't beat anybody, didn't lose – hmm – one fucking job, laughed my ass off, and went about my day. Sorry. Now, where's my commercial?

— Bill Hicks

Pot is a better drug than alcohol. Fact! … I'll prove it to you. If you're at a ball game or a concert and someone's really violent and aggressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot? [The crowd answers "Drunk."] Wow! We all know the truth.

— Bill Hicks

I deal only in facts, that's why I'm a cocky fuckin' bastard.

— Bill Hicks

[on the Gulf War] I was in the unenviable position of being for the war, but against the troops.

— Bill Hicks

I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.

— Bill Hicks

I quit smoking. It's very hard, but I'm glad I did. I'll tell you, this war against drugs in the US is the reason I quit because I got too fuckin' sick of being on the wrong side. The war against drugs, which actually is a war against civil rights, don't ever be fooled again. If they cared about us they'd get rid of the number one drug which is cigarettes; kills more people than crack, coke, and heroin combined, times 100. Legal.

— Bill Hicks

Marijuana: a drug that kills … no one – and let's put it in a time frame – ever. Illegal.

— Bill Hicks

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

— Bill Hicks

The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.

— Bill Hicks

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

— Bill Hicks

If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

— Bill Hicks

There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

— Bill Hicks

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

— Bill Hicks