Artemus Ward

I am not a politician, and my other habits are good, also.

— Artemus Ward

The prevailin' weakness of most public men is to Slop over. G. Washington never slopt over.

— Artemus Ward

I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am.

— Artemus Ward

Did you ever have the measels, and if so, how many?

— Artemus Ward

The Puritans nobly fled from a land of despotism to a land of freedim, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but could prevent everybody else from enjoyin his.

— Artemus Ward

Why is this thus? What is the reason of this thusness?

— Artemus Ward

Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrer [sic] money to do it with.

— Artemus Ward

The sun has a right to "set" where it wants to, and so, I may add, has a hen.

— Artemus Ward

They cherish his mem'ry, and them as sell picturs of his birthplace, etc., make it prof'tible cherishin' it.

— Artemus Ward

...their eyes sparkled like diminds, their cheeks was like roses, and they was charmin enuff to make a man throw stuns at his granmother, if they axed him to.

— Artemus Ward

My pollertics, like my religion, being of an exceedin' accommodatin' character.

— Artemus Ward

The female woman is one of the greatest institooshuns of which this land can boste.

— Artemus Ward