Art Buchwald

Men and women cannot live by bread alone. They must also tinkle. Show me someone who has no trouble tinkling, and I will show you a happy and rich person.

— Art Buchwald

I like champagne—because it always tastes like my foot's asleep.

— Art Buchwald

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

— Art Buchwald

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

— Art Buchwald

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new...program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

— Art Buchwald

People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.

— Art Buchwald

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

— Art Buchwald

Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, "I am not a crook." Jimmy Carter says, "I have lusted after women in my heart." President Reagan says, "I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope."

— Art Buchwald

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

— Art Buchwald

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even." … For me, being funny is the best revenge.

— Art Buchwald

Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

— Art Buchwald

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

— Art Buchwald

I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies.

— Art Buchwald

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

— Art Buchwald

Men and women cannot live by bread alone. They must also tinkle. Show me someone who has no trouble tinkling, and I will show you a happy and rich person.

— Art Buchwald

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.

— Art Buchwald

Men and women cannot live by bread alone. They must also tinkle. Show me someone who has no trouble tinkling, and I will show you a happy and rich person.

— Art Buchwald