Ambrose Bierce

Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.

— Ambrose Bierce

Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.

— Ambrose Bierce

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

— Ambrose Bierce

Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property of B.

— Ambrose Bierce

Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

— Ambrose Bierce

Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

— Ambrose Bierce

Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.

— Ambrose Bierce

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

— Ambrose Bierce

Liberty, n. One of imagination's most precious possessions.

— Ambrose Bierce

Liberty, n. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either.

— Ambrose Bierce

Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

— Ambrose Bierce

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

— Ambrose Bierce

Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane.

— Ambrose Bierce

Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

— Ambrose Bierce

Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces that serve the French in place of a state religion.

— Ambrose Bierce

Monday, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.

— Ambrose Bierce

Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

— Ambrose Bierce

Non-combatant, n. A dead Quaker.

— Ambrose Bierce

Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.

— Ambrose Bierce

Once, adj. Enough.

— Ambrose Bierce

Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.

— Ambrose Bierce

Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amok by hamstringing it.

— Ambrose Bierce

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

— Ambrose Bierce

Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.

— Ambrose Bierce

Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

— Ambrose Bierce

Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

— Ambrose Bierce

Pig, n. An animal (Porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.

— Ambrose Bierce

Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.

— Ambrose Bierce

Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

— Ambrose Bierce

Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

— Ambrose Bierce

Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

— Ambrose Bierce

Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.

— Ambrose Bierce

Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.

— Ambrose Bierce

Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.

— Ambrose Bierce

Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

— Ambrose Bierce

Resign, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.

— Ambrose Bierce

Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.

— Ambrose Bierce

Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.

— Ambrose Bierce

Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

— Ambrose Bierce

Sabbath, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.

— Ambrose Bierce

Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable.

— Ambrose Bierce

Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

— Ambrose Bierce

Saint, n. A dead sinner, revised and edited.

— Ambrose Bierce

Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

— Ambrose Bierce

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

— Ambrose Bierce

Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.

— Ambrose Bierce

Twice, adv. Once too often.

— Ambrose Bierce

We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.

— Ambrose Bierce

Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.

— Ambrose Bierce

Vote, v. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

— Ambrose Bierce

White, adj. and n. Black.

— Ambrose Bierce

Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.

— Ambrose Bierce

A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms against himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.

— Ambrose Bierce

Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

— Ambrose Bierce

Youth, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer.

— Ambrose Bierce

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

— Ambrose Bierce

Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.

— Ambrose Bierce

Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

— Ambrose Bierce

You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1440 times a day.

— Ambrose Bierce

Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

— Ambrose Bierce

Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego.

— Ambrose Bierce

To Dogmatism the Spirit of Inquiry is the same as the Spirit of Evil.

— Ambrose Bierce

There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only.

— Ambrose Bierce

Strive not for singularity in dress; Fools have the more and men of sense the less. To look original is not worth while, But be in mind a little out of style.

— Ambrose Bierce

To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand.

— Ambrose Bierce

Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

— Ambrose Bierce

If you would be accounted great by your contemporaries, be not too much greater than they.

— Ambrose Bierce

O proud philanthropist, your hope is vainTo get by giving what you lost by gain.

— Ambrose Bierce

There's no free will," says the philosopher; "To hang is most unjust.""There is no free will," assents the officer; "We hang because we must.

— Ambrose Bierce

The game of discontent has its rules, and he who disregards them cheats. It is not permitted to you to wish to add another's advantages or possessions to your own; you are permitted only to wish to be another.

— Ambrose Bierce

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

— Ambrose Bierce

If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: write it.

— Ambrose Bierce

When lost in a forest go always down hill. When lost in a philosophy or doctrine go upward.

— Ambrose Bierce

We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.

— Ambrose Bierce

A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites them to think something else.

— Ambrose Bierce

The virtues chose Modesty to be their queen."Because of her ignorance," they replied. "She knows nothing but that she is a virtue."

— Ambrose Bierce

The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity.

— Ambrose Bierce

Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their way to the dumps.

— Ambrose Bierce

Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.

— Ambrose Bierce

The palmist looks at the wrinkles made by closing the hand and says they signify character. The philosopher reads character by what the hand most loves to close upon.

— Ambrose Bierce

The money-getter who pleads his love of work has a lame defense, for love of work at money-getting is a lower taste than love of money.

— Ambrose Bierce

A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with a dead ape and work downward through a million graves. He is like the lower end of a suspended chain; you can sway him slightly to the right or the left, but remove your hand and he falls into line with the other links.

— Ambrose Bierce

He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity.

— Ambrose Bierce

Along the road of life are many pleasure resorts, but think not that by tarrying in them you will take more days to the journey. The day of your arrival is already recorded.

— Ambrose Bierce

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

— Ambrose Bierce

The most offensive egotist is he that fears to say "I" and "me." "It will probably rain "—that is dogmatic. "I think it will rain"—that is natural and modest. Montaigne is the most delightful of essayists because so great is his humility that he does not think it important that we see not Montaigne. He so forgets himself that he employs no artifice to make us forget him.

— Ambrose Bierce

Convictions are variable; to be always consistent is to be sometimes dishonest.

— Ambrose Bierce

The most intolerant advocate is he who is trying to convince himself.

— Ambrose Bierce

The poor man's price of admittance to the favor of the rich is his self-respect.

— Ambrose Bierce

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

— Ambrose Bierce

Slang is a foul pool at which every dunce fills his bucket, and then sets up as a fountain.

— Ambrose Bierce

Happiness is lost by criticizing it; sorrow by accepting it.

— Ambrose Bierce

When prosperous the fool trembles for the evil that is to come; in adversity the philosopher smiles for the good that he has had.

— Ambrose Bierce

Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the bogs through which he has floundered.

— Ambrose Bierce

Wisdom is known only by contrasting it with folly; by shadow only we perceive that all visible objects are not flat. Yet Philanthropos would abolish evil!

— Ambrose Bierce

To the eye of failure success is an accident.

— Ambrose Bierce

While you have a future do not live too much in contemplation of your past: unless you are content to walk backward the mirror is a poor guide.

— Ambrose Bierce

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

— Ambrose Bierce

To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense.

— Ambrose Bierce

Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.

— Ambrose Bierce

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

— Ambrose Bierce

Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.

— Ambrose Bierce

Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

— Ambrose Bierce

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

— Ambrose Bierce

Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.

— Ambrose Bierce

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

— Ambrose Bierce

Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

— Ambrose Bierce

Doubt is the father of invention.

— Ambrose Bierce

Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

— Ambrose Bierce

Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.

— Ambrose Bierce

The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up.

— Ambrose Bierce

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

— Ambrose Bierce

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

— Ambrose Bierce

Enthusiasm - a distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience.

— Ambrose Bierce

Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

— Ambrose Bierce

Study Herod, madame, study Herod.

— Ambrose Bierce

Mark how my fame rings out from zone to zone:A thousand critics shouting: "He's unknown!"

— Ambrose Bierce

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of remarkable Christian forbearance among men--were it not for a mawkish humanitarianism, coupled with imperfect digestive powers, we should devour our young, as Nature intended.

— Ambrose Bierce

Peyton Fahrquhar was dead; his body, with a broken neck, swung gently from side to side beneath the timbers of the Owl Creek bridge.

— Ambrose Bierce

True, more than a half of the green graves in the Grafton cemetery are marked "Unknown," and sometimes it occurs that one thinks of the contradiction involved in "honoring the memory" of him of whom no memory remains to honor; but the attempt seems to do no great harm to the living, even to the logical.

— Ambrose Bierce

This is a simple story of a battle; such a tale as may be told by a soldier who is no writer to a reader who is no soldier.

— Ambrose Bierce

An army's bravest men are its cowards. The death which they would not meet at the hands of the enemy they will meet at the hands of their officers, with never a flinching.

— Ambrose Bierce

Riven and torn with cannon-shot, the trunks of the trees protruded bunches of splinters like hands, the fingers above the wound interlacing with those below.

— Ambrose Bierce

Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standards in matters of thought and conduct. To be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested

— Ambrose Bierce

Absent, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.

— Ambrose Bierce

To men a man is but a mind. Who cares A woman absent is a woman dead.

— Ambrose Bierce

Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

— Ambrose Bierce

The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge.

— Ambrose Bierce

Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

— Ambrose Bierce

Accord, n. Harmony.

— Ambrose Bierce

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

— Ambrose Bierce

Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

— Ambrose Bierce

Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous

— Ambrose Bierce

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

— Ambrose Bierce

Advice, n. The smallest current coin.

— Ambrose Bierce

Alone, adj. In bad company.

— Ambrose Bierce

Ambition, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.

— Ambrose Bierce

Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

— Ambrose Bierce

Amnesty, n. The state’s magnaminity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

— Ambrose Bierce

Apologize, v. To lay the foundation for a future offense.

— Ambrose Bierce

Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

— Ambrose Bierce

Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.

— Ambrose Bierce

Backbite, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.

— Ambrose Bierce

Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

— Ambrose Bierce

Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters.

— Ambrose Bierce

Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

— Ambrose Bierce

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.

— Ambrose Bierce

Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

— Ambrose Bierce

Brain, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think... In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

— Ambrose Bierce

Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

— Ambrose Bierce

Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

— Ambrose Bierce

Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

— Ambrose Bierce

Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

— Ambrose Bierce

Capital, n. The seat of misgovernment.

— Ambrose Bierce

Cartesian, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, Cogito ergo sum -- whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved, however, thus: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.

— Ambrose Bierce

Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

— Ambrose Bierce

Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

— Ambrose Bierce

Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

— Ambrose Bierce

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.

— Ambrose Bierce

Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets.

— Ambrose Bierce

Clock, n.: A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.

— Ambrose Bierce

Congratulation, n. The civility of envy.

— Ambrose Bierce

Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with others.

— Ambrose Bierce

Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

— Ambrose Bierce

Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.

— Ambrose Bierce

Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.

— Ambrose Bierce

Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack.

— Ambrose Bierce

Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.

— Ambrose Bierce

Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

— Ambrose Bierce

Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

— Ambrose Bierce

Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.

— Ambrose Bierce

Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

— Ambrose Bierce

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

— Ambrose Bierce

Electricity, n. The cause of all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career.

— Ambrose Bierce

Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

— Ambrose Bierce

Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

— Ambrose Bierce

Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.

— Ambrose Bierce

Freebooter, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.

— Ambrose Bierce

Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense

— Ambrose Bierce

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

— Ambrose Bierce

Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven.

— Ambrose Bierce

Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.

— Ambrose Bierce

Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.

— Ambrose Bierce

Generous, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.

— Ambrose Bierce

Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

— Ambrose Bierce

Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.

— Ambrose Bierce

Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half.

— Ambrose Bierce

Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.

— Ambrose Bierce

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

— Ambrose Bierce

Incompossible, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both — as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's mercy to man.

— Ambrose Bierce

Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 'Heaven lies about us.' The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.

— Ambrose Bierce

In'ards, n. pl. The stomach, heart, soul, and other bowels.

— Ambrose Bierce

Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.

— Ambrose Bierce

Insurrection, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.

— Ambrose Bierce