Alexander Woollcott

The two oldest professions in the world — ruined by amateurs.

— Alexander Woollcott

Once in pre-war days, when curiously-bonneted women drivers were familiar sights at the taxi-wheels, I cried out to one in my dismay: "Is there no speed limit in this mad city?""Oh, yes, monsieur," she answered sweetly over her shoulder, "but no one has ever succeeded in reaching it."

— Alexander Woollcott

All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

— Alexander Woollcott

At 83 Shaw's mind was perhaps not quite as good as it used to be, but it was still better than anyone else's.

— Alexander Woollcott

I've never had the impertinence to be sorry for Helen Keller. I'd as soon be sorry for Niagara Falls. But now as I bring the story up to date, I'm shriveled with shame when I recall that at times in my life — my easy life — I've actually been sorry for myself. You too? We've got our nerve, haven't we?

— Alexander Woollcott

I have no need of your God-damned sympathy. I only wish to be entertained by some of your grosser reminiscences.

— Alexander Woollcott

[You look like] a dishonest Abe Lincoln.

— Alexander Woollcott

I'm tired of hearing it said that democracy doesn't work. Of course it doesn't work. We are supposed to work it.

— Alexander Woollcott

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

— Alexander Woollcott

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

— Alexander Woollcott

It comes from the likes of you! Take what you can get! Grab the chances as they come along! Act in hallways! Sing in doorways! Dance in cellars!

— Alexander Woollcott