A. P. Herbert

The critical period of matrimony is breakfast-time.

— A. P. Herbert

The Farmer will never be happy again;Or the drought is destroying his roots.

— A. P. Herbert

For I must write to The Times tonight, and save the world from sin.

— A. P. Herbert

Don't let's go to the dogs tonight,For mother will be there.

— A. P. Herbert

As my poor father used to sayIs good enough for me.

— A. P. Herbert

Let's stop somebody from doing something!Everybody does too much.

— A. P. Herbert

The laws were very comical; to bet was voted lax,But your betting was the only thing that nobody could tax.

— A. P. Herbert

Bus driver, bus driver, the sirens have gone,If I whisper: "Bus driver, I don't want your job".

— A. P. Herbert

How proud upon your quarterdeck you stand,A calm newcomer in a sea of fuss.

— A. P. Herbert

Nobody's wrong but England – and England's always wrong,Her own sons crowd and hurry to shout her back to shame.

— A. P. Herbert

The race is run - the winner wears the laurels,And hand in hand, together guide us on our way.

— A. P. Herbert

There's alcohol in plant and tree.Some alcohol in Man.

— A. P. Herbert

The portions of a woman which appeal to man's depravityAre constructed with considerable care.

— A. P. Herbert

Citizens who take it upon themselves to do unusual actions which attract the attention of the police should be careful to bring these actions into one of the recognized categories of crimes and offences, for it is intolerable that the police should be put to the pains of inventing reasons for finding them undesirable.

— A. P. Herbert

It is like the thirteenth stroke of a crazy clock, which not only is itself discredited but casts a shade of doubt over all previous assertions.

— A. P. Herbert

It cannot be too clearly understood that this is not a free country, and it will be an evil day for the legal profession when it is.

— A. P. Herbert

People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.

— A. P. Herbert

A highbrow is the kind of person who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso.

— A. P. Herbert

A man who has made up his mind on a given subject twenty-five years ago and continues to hold his political opinions after he has been proved to be wrong is a man of principle; while he who from time to time adapts his opinions to the changing circumstances of life is an opportunist.

— A. P. Herbert

The critical period in matrimony is breakfast-time.

— A. P. Herbert

The Englishman never enjoys himself except for a noble purpose. He does not play cricket because it is a good game, but because it creates good citizens. He does not love motor-races for their own sake, but for the advantages they bring to the engineering firms of his country. And it is common knowledge that the devoted persons who conduct and regularly attend horse-races do not do so because they like it, but for the benefit of the breed of the English horse.

— A. P. Herbert

Was the cow crossed?""No, your worship, it was an open cow.

— A. P. Herbert

Justice should be cheap but judges expensive.

— A. P. Herbert

The whole Constitution has been erected upon the assumption that the King not only is capable of doing wrong but is more likely to do wrong than other men if he is given the chance.

— A. P. Herbert

The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.

— A. P. Herbert